Weekend update, Part 1: Sometimes, you just feel like an idiot..

Take this Friday, for example, where I traded a nice warm apartment, beers, good times and the company of two lovely blondes for a brisk walk through wind and rain all for the love of getting to work and spending four hours staring blankly at a computer monitor.. Wait, I probably should clarify that a little more.

See, like I said, I’ve started feeling a hell of a lot better after taking a day off on Thursday. So much better, in fact, that I quickly decided to go back to work on Friday. Not so much because I wanted to, but more because I needed the money and I wasn’t sure how much work we’d have laying around for the night. Anyways, I’d also promised Tina to pop by her place with a few things for her on my way to work and so when I finally pulled myself together and left for work at around 7 PM, it wasn’t before first making a brief stop at Tina’s to drop off some goods. As my general luck would have it, Tina and her friend Daphne were right in the middle of setting up for a party later that night once I arrived. So I was greeted by the sight of two lovely blondes sitting about, drinking a few beers and having a damn good time.. Which, in case you were wondering, is not really the first thing you want to see on your way to work on a Friday night.. It somehow makes you feel that your plans for the hours ahead are somehow.. Wrong..

The concept of sitting down for a minute, having a small sip of Tina’s beer and catching up ever so slightly.. and then getting right back up, donning your layers of insulating clothing and heading back out into the general mess of Danish fall weather in order to embark on a one hour walk to work.. Is just somehow wrong, and I will tell you right now that I, admittedly, in many ways felt like an idiot for doing it.. Especially after I finally did complete the journey through wind and rain and got into work and my co-worker, Torben, hears the story, takes one look at me and goes: “You did what? You chose what?! Are you fucking insane!!?!” – And this from the guy who I went through all this trouble and emotional pain to help out.. So much for trying to be a nice guy. I guess next time I’ll know better.

All things considered, work wasn’t too bad. Not only was it Friday, but I’d also told the others that the girls would be more than happy to see me back at their party after work, so in true “help a brother out” fashion, everything was being done by everybody to get us done and out the door as quickly as possible.. Gotta hand it to my colleagues in that aspect, you mention something about cute girl(s) waiting for you and they’ll have you out the door as quickly as possible.. Which is, of course, a fact I don’t take advantage off.. Too often.

But, anyways, so yes, after a quick effort, Torben and I were out the door by about 0:50 AM, and since I kinda wanted to go back and see what Tina and Daphne’s party was all about, I was even lucky enough to grab a ride with Torben who lived in the vicinity of Tina’s.. So it was not long after 1 AM (which is usually the earliest I can expect to be off on any given night) that I snuck in the main door at the apartment complex Tina lives in and got ready to crash the party in style. Or as much style as I could possibly muster after a long work week, a late night at work and the remainder of various bugs and viruses still escaping my system.

There’s always a certain bit of weirdness and entertainment value involved with crashing a party that’s been going for a good four or five hours. Simply on account of you being sober and others being, well, not so sober. The crowd that we hang with is usually a pretty happy and friendly one. And apparently even more so when drunk. So once I forced through Tina’s door and stumbled over a bit of garbage and some empty beer cans, I was met by yells from the boys, squeals from the ladies, high fives, hugs and what have you. Before I knew of it.. Or had even sat down or taken my several lays of protective clothing off, I’d even had a shot thrust into both hands and was commanded to drink.. In such a situation, there was really only one thing to do, so I down the two shots before moving on to give a very enthusiastic Katrine a big hug, thinking that my plan of having only two drinks that evening was certainly working well so far.

The craziness spawned by my arrival eventually died down only to be replaced by more insanity and rowdiness most of which I didn’t quite understand due to my late arrival and soberness. So while the room erupted, I snuck off, grabbed a beer from the fridge and headed out into the hallway to chat a bit with Jesper, Katrine and one of her friends. It was all pretty good times and after having nursed my beer for a while, I actually felt up for facing the party and as such made my way back inside to size it all up. I happened to have plans for the morning – namely going to visit my dad and his family in Nyborg, so I had a pretty well-laid out plan for the night to only have a few drinks and go home early. As a result, I was a bit behind everybody else that evening, but that was okay seeing as I was for once really keen on keeping this promise to myself.. And if I weren’t, Tina was keen on keeping the promise for me.. I gotta hand it to her, even when she’s drunk, she’s a sweetie, walking up to me every twenty minutes or so, putting an arm on my shoulder and demanding to know my status and whether or not I knew what time it was and if I was aware how much I’d been drinking. She even threatened to kick me out a few times, but we eventually reached an agreement which stated that I could stay as long as I liked, as long as I drank with strong moderation which was cool with me. So I ended up staying for about three hours, watching the craziness, taking part in the craziness, carrying out strange conversations and breaking a chair or two.. Or, well, I didn’t exactly break anything. All I know is suddenly I had a couple of girls on my lap and there was a broken chair on the floor beside me. I didn’t really stop to ask questions, nor did I care to.

All in all, it was a good old time, and I wish I could’ve taken part all night, but such is the way of the working class and I did have several big plans for the day ahead, so I stuck to my three hours or so of fun before I eventually headed off along with Katrine and her friend at about 4 AM, walking them back through town and then heading home myself to eat a late night snack, drink one last drink and then turning in at about 5 AM for what turned out to be exactly three hours of sleep before being woken by a barrage of text messages at 8 AM the next morning.. But that’s another story..

Johan and Tina’s Wild Weekend Adventures, Part 4

Our sleeping arrangements may not have been all that we’d bargained or hoped for, but it pretty quickly turned out that the weirdness and uncertainty regarding these were nothing compared to the weirdness and uncertainty of our Sunday.

I didn’t really get a good night’s sleep from Saturday to Sunday. For starters, we got to bed at like 5 AM, moreover I was actually cold and freezing for a change and lastly, I’m not really good at spending the night on couches in unfamiliar homes, but that’s just me. Consequently, I took ages just to get to sleep and when I did, I only enjoyed a few hours of constantly interrupted sleep as I had a weird habit of stirring awake about every five minutes.. Boo! Eventually, I heard the welcome sound of Tina stirring and starting to get up and a few minutes later, she popped her head in to see how I was doing.. And thus began a long, strange waiting game that lasted most of the day.

See, we did find ourselves in a bit of a predicament. Having had to change sleeping arrangements in the middle of the night and having borrowed Kim’s house with him and his girlfriend driving on to sleep at her place meant that, well, that we were essentially stuck in the middle of nowhere without Tina’s car and without any way of getting to it other than Kim getting up and driving home (as promised) and giving us a ride back to Tina’s car.. This had been the plan all along, but it was also a plan that was coined long before Kim got completely off of his ass drunk and started thrashing around making little to no sense.

Having had the night to sleep on and ponder this fact, we then realized that we might be running a little late on this particular day, but we had no idea how bad things were to get.. And when we got up, pretty much everything we could think about was breakfast and coffee.. And Kim of course had neither in the house! So, first things first were to call Kim not only in an effort to wake him from his sleep, but also to get directions to a nearby bakery where we could get some food – and hopefully coffee, too. To his credit, Kim did reply, not feeling too good, obviously, but he did give us directions towards the bakery, so into the cool morning air Tina and I went to get some food while, we thought, Kim got up and got ready to go pick us up.

For the record, I’ll advise anybody against getting stuck in tiny Danish villages without food on hand, it’s not that you can’t get food, it’s just that it’s hellishly expensive. We ended up taking a long, nice brisk walk to the nearest bakery and then blowing about DKK 1oo of Tina’s hard earned money on a loaf of bread, some cheese and a small canister of freeze dried coffee. Ridiculous! But we were hungry and happily returned “home” to brew up a few cups of freeze dried coffee and chomp down on a few slices of walnut bread with cheese while watching Disney’s “Cars”.. Aside from the fact that it was really rather cold without central heating, curling up on the couch with crappy coffee and overpriced breakfast was actually surprisingly nice like.

By the end of the movie, which was surprisingly good by the way, we were kinda starting to wonder where the hell Kim was at. The clock had now passed 1 PM and Tina had a football game at just past 2 PM which it was now becoming clear that she wasn’t going to make. We therefore decided to place yet another call to Kim only to discover that he had actually fallen asleep again rather than getting up.. Lovely! Tina scolded him a bit and told him to get his ass in gear while we settled down to watch yet another movie in the form of Ice Age 2 which I thought I’d seen, but apparently hadn’t. Upon having watched this movie and watched the clock progress even further, Tina and I were now starting to get downright grumpy. Not only had we both missed an appointment that day, we were also quickly running out of things to do in a rather empty house without central heating and a working TV signal. So, after placing more frantic phone calls to a still sleeping Kim, we got up and went for another walk around the village, covering all of it at least twice in the half hour or so we walked around for while trying to get Kim off his ass.

Following several failed attempts and angry phone calls, we finally managed to get him on his way at around 5 PM and returned to the house to wait for him and his girlfriend to arrive which they did without much splendor some time later. Upon seeing Kim, it was pretty obvious why things had taken some time. The poor guy looked completely beside himself, shaking, pale and absolutely not looking fit for fight and I was actually kinda surprise that he’d actually made the trip back to the house. It also became clear that he wasn’t driving us anywhere that day so while he settled down to rest his poor, beaten body, his girlfriend, Karina, got us into her car and drove us back to Tina’s uncle’s place where Tina’s car was waiting. Here we made our quick goodbyes with her and got ready to move on, but not before checking in on Lars and Pia..

Who, surprise surprise, also looked more than a little worse for wear on this bright Sunday. We hung around for a while chatting with them and sharing impressions of the night before heading on on our quest to find our way back to Kolding.. Which we did by way of Tina’s parents whom we wanted to just drop in on to say hi while we were in the neighborhood anyways. We only managed to get hold of Tina’s mother, though, since her dad was out, but we did manage a cosy little talk with her before once again jumping in the car and heading back to Kolding.

On the way, we actually managed to (not literally) bump into Tina’s dad who was in turn on his way back home, so we created a nice little road block for a few minutes while parked on a country road chatting with him through open windows.. Good times!

By the time we were nearly back to Kolding, both of us were growing extremely hungry and since we were planning a whole roast chicken for dinner which, all things being equal, takes one hell of a long time to cook. It didn’t take much convincing for either of us (even me) to stop by Mickey D’s drive through on the way and get a few cheeseburgers just to keep the hunger at bay while the chicken cooked.

We finally made it back to Tina’s at around 7 PM, I think, and sat down to devour our Mickey D’s which we managed to do in about five minutes total and I must admit (don’t tell Tina) that I actually enjoyed it for a change. While we ate, the oven preheated and once we’d finished eating I got to work on gutting and rinsing the chicken. I really wanted Tina to do that part as she has much smaller hands and would have much easier access to the cavity, but I’d kinda guessed her answer in advance and as thus refrained from asking. Once clean, I stuffed the chicken with some quartered lemons and a whole bunch of garlic and shoved in in the oven for what was to be an unidentifiable amount of time. We then sat down to watch some CSI while the chicken cooked and all was good for a while.

Neither Tina nor I had roasted a whole chicken before so the timing on the chicken, sauce and potatoes went a little askew. Or, a lot really, but we survived and managed in the end. One important lesson learned is that you should really check if a chicken is done on both sides before starting to carve it because raw chicken juices spilling all over a small kitchen equals not only a righteous mess but a bit of a biohazard to boot! So, note to self, do that next time.

Once the chicken had finished its second trip in the oven and the potatoes and sauce had been kept warm for about half an hour, we were ready to once again carve the beast.. Which, again, was something that neither of us had attempted before, so I just sorta improvised.. And I’d like to say that it all went rather well. If you disregard the fact that I accidentally tore the leg bones off, snapped a few other bones and never managed to cut through the carcass. So, really, I didn’t do very well at all, but since it was just the two of us, we settled for a mess of boneless, shredded and roughly chopped chicken pieces, served on a community plate. Oh well. The important thing was that the bird was surprisingly juice and tasty, so despite having made an ungodly mess and nearly infected the both of us with food borne illnesses, we couldn’t help but sit there, eating our 9 PM dinner and patting ourselves on the backs for a job well done. It had been a long, tiring day that didn’t go anything like planned at all, but sitting there eating roasted chicken at way too late in the evening, it didn’t all seem so bad at all.. And, of course, we both ended up eating much more than we should have, resulting in the familiar sight of both of us giving two fucks about the dishes and just collapsing into Tina’s most comfortable chairs and laying there in a food coma for a few hours.

I quite honestly didn’t have the strength to get up for what seemed like at least two hours and when I finally did, it was only to clean up a bit of the remaining mess, wrap up the carcass of the chicken, thank Tina for a wonderful weekend and give her a big hug before dragging myself and the bird down the stairs, throwing the bird in the dumpster and then dragging myself on home. It really had been a most awesome and partially spontaneous but cozy weekend and thanks to my new work schedule and job hunting ways, it has taken me more than a week to actually relate all of it.. But there you go, we appear to have come full circle!

Johan and Tina’s Wild Weekend Adventures, Part 3

As I got up Saturday morning at the crack of noon, it occurred to me that over the past couple of days, I’d developed a pretty strange sleeping pattern. I’d get the sleep I needed, on average anyways. I’d sleep five hours one night, ten the other, it’d add up to 15 hours of sleep total or 7.5 hours of sleep per night. It seemed a pretty strange way of doing things, but at least I’d feel well rested every other day.

Sleeping till noon did bear some implications on my day. I did initially have rather a lot of plans for the day, the most important of these being that Saturday was the day of Tina’s uncle celebrating his 40th birthday and I had been hired to plate and serve foods and drinks for the occasion. We weren’t leaving for the party until 4 PM’ish, but I’d hoped to get a lot of other things done before setting off.. But what with my deciding to sleep till past noon only to wake up to a fridge completely lacking something suitable to eat for breakfast, most of my plans got canceled in favor of finding food and getting ready to head out. Tina, being the sweetheart that she is, did offer that I could drop by for lunch, but that would have kept me from showering and getting ready which would also have been bad.. So I settled for staying home, running to the store and scrambling around feverishly to get food on the table before showering and getting ready and heading out – all while chatting happily with Tina on MSN, of course, as I still like to pretend I’m good in the whole multitasking department.

Needless to say, things got hectic in the end. My understanding was that Tina would be picking me up at around 4:15 PM and as such I didn’t even consider showering or starting to get ready till some point past 3 PM. I also somehow forgot to consider that I’ve been growing my hair long for three years now and that long hair takes longer to wash, dry and tame.. I don’t know how I keep doing that.. Either way, I ended up eventually doing pretty good time until Tina shot me a message asking if I’d have time to stop by her place and help her pick out shoes to match her outfit.. Which I’d of course love to do, but it also meant that I’d have to be ready and out the door about five minutes after receiving said request. A task I of course managed because I’m simply that damn good.

So, a little before 4 PM I was out the door and on my way down to Tina’s as fast as my legs could carry me and my new shoes and fancy clothes permitted. I’m not one to usually dress very fancy like, so dodging my way down dusty paths, zig-zagging between mopeds, happily newly wed couples and random drunken strangers while trying not to get my new clothes sweaty and dirty was an experience to say the least. But I managed. Barely. Almost. Which is to say that by the time I tumbled in through Tina’s front door, she remarked “Oh, you look good.. But there’s a huge smudge on you right there!” – Well, I try.. And the smudge wasn’t something that Tina’s expert advice and a barely damp paper towel couldn’t fix. Tina, as could be expected, looked smashing and picking out shoes turned out to be only a matter of my confirming that the ones she had already picked out looked great on her.. Which wasn’t much of a problem for me as they were red stilettos, so, umm, yeah.. Duh!

Having thus taken care of smudges and confirmed that Tina did in fact look very pretty, we set off towards the small neighbor town of Vejen where the party was to be held, chatting happily and listening to a bit of metal on the way – as we usually do. Tina eventually dropped me off by her uncle’s place before heading on herself to pick up her grandmother and finish a few things before returning later to take part in the festivities. As she drove off, I got acquainted with her uncle, aunt and their dog Whiskey and set out to explore the perimeter.

I should point out that I have next to no experience in the field of catering and serving at parties, I just somehow once in the past got tricked into doing it by Tina’s parents and apparently her entire family took such a liking to me and my efforts that they’re now regularly requesting my help for such chores. I’m not entirely sure why, but I’m not complaining as the money is pretty good and I do enjoy me a challenge and meeting new people. My lack of experience should prove an interesting facet this very night, though. I don’t know why, but I’d somehow guessed that they were hiring more people than just me for the job so during the tour of the house, the garden, the tent where the party was being held and the various caches of beverages and food, I was sorta starting to wonder when the others would show up but eventually deducted that they weren’t going to show..

As Tina’s uncle, Lars, at this point was on his second beer and aunt Pia seemed a little stressed out to a point where she was uncertain about the contents and stage of the menu she’d ordered and whether or not it would actually be delivered, this realization meant that I suddenly had to start taking additional mental notes and start actually planning things in my head. It also led me to conclude that I’d probably just have to go with the flow throughout the evening and improvise at times.. All in all, I didn’t have time to worry, though, because by the time they were done showing me around and reminding me not to hit my head on the low door frame that I kept bumping into, guests started arriving and the first calls of “where the hell is the food?” were heard.

Luckily, the caterer arrived with the food at around the same time that the last guests made their arrival. So I quickly paid off the man and started carrying the obscene amounts of food into the kitchen while guests mingled and had drinks. I’m not entirely sure how many people Uncle Lars and Aunt Pia had ordered for, but they certainly got their money’s worth. Some of the food arrived on serving platters, some had just been dropped into aluminum trays. Some had been carved, some needed carving. It was interesting.. But by way of an electric knife, whatever serving dishes I managed to pull from various cupboards, and despite of Tina’s dad who had snuck into the kitchen partially to make my life hell and partially to steal food, I managed to get food on the table while guests busied themselves having drinks and getting seated.

The food was being kept and prepared in the kitchen while the party took place across the yard in a large tent situated on the lawn, so I got a fair bit of exercise running back and forth which was all good. When guests were seated and had started to dig into both food, wine, beers and what have you, I was reasonably sure that the worst was over.. Which, of course, was entirely not the case, because now began the grueling task of keeping the serving platters full, the beer supply stocked, all while trying not to drop things, keep myself from crashing into guests who’d snuck outside for smoking and also answering various questions and performing various chores.. All while keeping an eye on the clock and the natural progression of the whole master plan – which had been related to me once, in a hurry. It was interesting, but for the most part worked out, even when people started fighting over whose song or which piece of entertainment were to come on next..

In short, it was quite a mouthful, but also quite fun, even if I didn’t know what I was doing half of the time but still had to pretend that I had everything under control when people dropped into the kitchen to say hi, chill, hang out and talk – which a surprising number of people actually did. Many of whom I’d never seen or spoken to before, but also familiar faces such as Tina’s parents, Tina herself with brother and brother’s girlfriend in tow and of course the dear hosts who most certainly seemed to be enjoying the whole ordeal.. Good times!

I eventually got to sit down and have some food myself at around 10 PM and was also joined by Tina, brother, etc for a beer in the kitchen before I was officially relieved of my duties and told by aunt Pia to go relax, sit down and have a few beers.. See, that was the best part of the whole ordeal: Since I was depending on Tina for transportation and what not and she, given the fact that there was an open bar all night, certainly wasn’t driving anywhere that evening, the plan was that once the food and everything was out of the way, I’d simply join the party, have a few beers and attempt not to make too much of a fool of myself in front of Tina’s family. So essentially, I got paid for the ordeal, got my fill of free food and eventually a party as well. Not an entirely bad way to spend a Saturday evening!

I joined the party at around 11 PM which was about five hours after everybody else and I pretty quickly felt that.. Let’s just say that mostly everybody else but me were in pretty high spirits and there was some catching up to do.. On the other hand, I’d been at it pretty hard the weekend before, so I wasn’t really in the mood to catch up too much. As a result, I kicked back in a safe little corner with the few people that I knew, popped open a beer.. Which eventually turned into a few beers.. and watched the mayhem ensue.. And as far as mayhem goes, I’ll have to hand it to Tina’s family!

Her uncle, the birthday boy, was pretty well liquored up by this time, as was his dear wife and in many ways they seemed to act as the catalysts for the party because everybody else just seemed to follow their lead, resulting in a lot of really drunk, really happy and fucking funny people. I’d barely managed to sit down before I witnessed Uncle Lars receiving the wedgie to end all wedgies at the hand of one of his friends who managed to literally nearly pull Lars’ boxers up over his head, effectively destroying the boxers in the process. Which Tina’s brother, Kim, may or may not have taken as an invitation to break more garment.. At any rate, it wasn’t long before he walked up to me, took one look at my new button up shirt, nodded and declared that I needed to show more skin before grabbing me by the collar with both hands and pulling in each direction, effectively ripping my shirt open, popping two buttons and baring my chest. I suppose it was his subtle way of saying “I’m drunk, welcome to the party!” – and what a party it was! I’m not generally very comfortable about showing skin, but I suppose after Kim’s makeover, I’d have to. Which also meant that I’d have to get some more beers in order to become more comfortable with the whole situation. Luckily, there were no shortage of people willing to drink them with me and no shortage of odd and weird sights and sounds: To name but a few, I saw a moped on the dance floor, a one armed man getting told off for beating people over the head with a small scale flag pole, I saw Tina getting dropped on her back from two meters in the air (poor thing).. And three generations headbanging to AC/DC. Now, I come from a family where parties can get pretty wild, but this was an absolute riot and good times were had by all until way into the wee hours when Tina decided that we were apparently heading out to take a look at the town..

And so we did. Or, well, made it all the way downtown just to discover that absolutely nothing was going on down there, so after a long and grueling walk, we just gave in and called it a night. Kim’s girlfriend’s dad had been nice enough to offer to come pick us up at any hour, so at around 3:30 we gave him a call and being the cool father that he was, he set out on a long drive to pick us up.. While we set out to get some pizza and figure out sleeping arrangements for the night..

Which were an interesting story of their own. Tina and I were too far away from home to sleep in our own beds and  had originally thought that we’d be spending the night at Tina’s parents. Tina’s parents, however, not only left the party early, they’d also forgotten about the arrangements and owing to this and various personal issues, sleeping there was not and option. So Tina had spent the night exploring various alternative sleeping arrangements. It was eventually decided that we’d spend the night at her brother’s house which was all fine and good, though apparently Kim and his girlfriend weren’t spending the night there, too, but were rather going to be staying at his girlfriend’s place. I’m not entirely sure of the reasoning applied here but the result was that we waited for our ride to show up, drove by Tina’s uncle’s house to pick up some stuff, then by Kim’s house where Tina and I were dropped off and let in as the rest of the crew traveled on to new destinations.

Regardless of the reasoning, I was pretty tired at this point and was happy to just have somewhere to sleep, so while Tina got ready and settled into her brother’s bed, I got out a sleeping bag I’d borrowed from her and got settled on the couch. Which proved a little difficult in the pitch darkness of a strange house, but after some bumping into stuff, I eventually managed to find the couch and the sleeping bag and curl up for a few hours of sleep.. The clock had now past 5 AM, but it was still to be a good two hours before I got any sleep at all which I found kinda strange considering it had been such a long tiring day..

Johan and Tina’s Wild Weekend Adventures, Part 2

For the record, getting only five hours of sleep is not the best way of starting a day dedicated to cheering up a loved one. While years of sleep deprivation has taught me not to let my mood be affected by lack of sleep and rest, lack of sleep does make the execution of basic tasks such as well laid out, spontaneously generated, fool proof plans for the cheering up of tiny Tinas.. So it was with a bit of starting difficulties that I got up on Friday morning at 10 AM and started on my plan to spoil Tina silly.

The first part of my plan involved going to the store for four remaining ingredients needed for meals and drinks throughout the day. This pretty basic task was made exceedingly complicated by the fact that when I’d gotten up, gotten ready and all, I was entirely incapable of finding my house key.. Anywhere.. I literally spent about a half hour searching through my relatively modest living quarters only to eventually find it laying around under a stack of papers.. Go figure!

Having finally retrieved my key, I set off to the store, thinking that I didn’t need to bring my shopping list, coz well, how was I to screw up when I only had four items on it.. Ahem, well, as it turns out, when I arrived back some twenty minutes later, I did manage to screw up.. Or, well, I did make it back with four items.. Only, they somehow weren’t the items on my list.. Which seemed a bit confusing to me, but then I was really tired and so a second trip was quickly planned and executed.

It all was a bit of a mess, but luckily it ended up somehow fitting into my grand plan because I had Tina on text throughout my entire confuddled attempt to execute the most basic step of my plan and my blatantly screwing up always seems to bring a grin to her face, so in that aspect my grand plan was already working.. Tina was smiling and laughing.. On my behalf, granted, but hey, I’ve gotten used to that. Having finally gotten everything needed for the day, I made coffee, ate breakfast, showered, packed everything up and prepared to head down to Tina.. At which point another major problem occurred: In my grand effort to make everything perfect, considerate, personal and thoughtful, I’d ended up picking out and packing so many damn things that I’d filled up not only my backpack, but also two large plastic bags with groceries, drinks, frozen meals and what have you. Add to that the fact that the weather was actually nice and hot for a change and I had quite the long, tiring haul ahead of me.

Now, I think it’s fair to say that Tina has probably by now gotten used to a bit of slight exaggeration on my behalf in an effort to make everything right. But that’s not to say that she didn’t produce quite a bewildered look and an amused giggle when I crashed through her door, panting and cursing and dropping all my goods on her floor. Giggles turned to laughs and smiles when I started explaining the reasoning and considerations behind my apparent mad actions and I dare say she felt quite appreciated and spoiled once she got over the initial shock. At any rate, she didn’t seem very upset or unhappy during the day, but rather chatty, happy and smiling.. But then again, we apparently have that effect on each other.

After the few initial mishaps, things actually went rather smoothly. Tina worked on her presentation, I whiled away time surfing the web, I cooked her lunch of whole grain pasta with tomato/cream sauce which was immensely enjoyed by all (yes, all two of us) and consumed in portions more resembling dinner servings than lunch, but let’s not tell anybody, eh? Following lunch, we went on a long cosy walk around sunny ol’ Kolding, chatting and part-taking in our favorite activities which include bickering about everything and nothing in particular, disagreeing with each other for the sake of disagreeing, cracking jokes and commenting on the size of Tina’s ass.. Wait, that last part probably sounded wrong, so scratch that.. We also did laundry, a rather simple activity which, like so many other things we engage in together, ended in a feverish shouting battle when Tina dropped some stuff and my gentleman instinct told me to bend down and pick it up, not actually realizing that I was reaching for her.. umm.. delicates.. The resulting discussion was too weird to recall here, but leave it to us to turn something as simple as laundry into a huge argument.

After this first real martial crisis of the day, we decided to go grocery shopping since Tina was pretty much fresh out and even tiny people need to eat now and then, so we got into Tina’s car, drove to the store and went for one of the more entertaining grocery runs I’ve ever been on. Needless to say, it involved more arguing, some pouting, some ordering each other around and, again, a bit of shouting. It also involved a lot of turned heads from random passersbys and a few strange looks.. And why do people think we’re dating again?! Things got really out of control when I started bossing Tina around, telling her to act her age, behave, get out of people’s way and what not. This practice inadvertently got us talking to a chatty elderly gentleman who apparently thought we made a nice, healthy looking, young couple and that Tina couldn’t be blamed (as I was trying to do) for being in his way as he was the one sporting a large gut. I, being the utter asshole friend that I am at times, made some (entirely untrue) comment about it not being entirely his fault as Tina, too, was getting a little chubby. This, of course, made Tina pout and mutter “he’s always teasing me” in her littelest voice, while it sent our new-found friend on a long rant about how we couldn’t all be as slim as me and how he’d just recently quit smoking, gained a lot of weight as a result and was now working out feverishly to get buff and fit.. Which was probably all true, but still a bit of a weird stream of information to reveal to random strangers.

We eventually escaped our new chatty friend and continued on our happy bickering way. We eventually ended up getting a whole bunch of stuff. Needed and un-needed groceries alike.. We even got a chicken! Yes, a chicken! Well, a dead roasting chicken, mind you, but still. I’m not entirely sure how it happened, but we found a whole bunch of fresh roasting chickens on sale and somehow decided that since we were spending the entire Friday AND Saturday together, we might as well complete the happily married couple illusion and buy a chicken that we could prepare together for Sunday dinner. And so we did.. Before realizing that we had probably spent enough money by now and should leave the store.

Safely back at Tina’s, we probably did some more laundry and probably hung out and had a few laughs before I really made her day by presenting her with a homemade Mojito which she happily and beamingly consumed  in what looked like about three gulps while I got started on the Pad Thai dinner, I’d promised her for so long. I must admit I was rather scared by the prospect of cooking Pad Thai for dinner, not so much because I think I make a poor Pad Thai but more because Tina has actually been to Thailand and tried the real thing.. And nothing you can do in a miniature kitchen in Denmark can possibly in any way measure up to the experience of eating Thai street food in the proper settings.

As it turns out, I really had nothing much to be scared about, though. The preparations went more smoothly than I’d expected, Tina did a pretty good job at setting the table and pouring the wine while I stir fried everything to something closely resembling perfection and pretty quickly had a large serving of Pad Thai on the table which was approved by all, including the 50 odd percent of the dinner party that had actually been to Thailand and had had the real thing. The wine, too, was well received and both of us ate till we were about ready to burst. I’ve completely forgotten how filling a dish Pad Thai is.

After dinner, and some moaning and groaning, we cleared the worst of the mess out of the way and sat down to watch a few episodes of The Big Bang Theory before heading out to do the 28th load of laundry that day.. Give or take.. On our way to the laundromat, Tina did what she does best and looked at me with her pretty blue eyes and her sweet little smile and asked if maybe, perhaps, quite possibly, there would be enough ingredients left for another Mojito. There may even have been some batting of the eye lashes, I don’t remember, we all know I have a hard time saying no to cute she already had me pretty well twisted around her little finger.. And, besides, another Mojito? Well, duh!

So, we finished up quickly in the whole laundry department and hurried on back to Tina’s apartment where she got cracking on cleaning up after our Pad Thai dinner while I got cracking on making two more Mojitos. This is the kinda distribution of labor that I can get behind.. And, as it turns out, the amount time it takes to wash off the dirty pans and dishes from a Pad Thai dinner is about exactly the same amount of time it takes to make two perfect home-made Mojitos.. Well, there you go. This second batch of Mojitos were savored over the last few remaining episodes of Season Two of The Big Bang Theory, a perfect combination if I dare say so.

By the time we’d worn out Season Two of The Big Bang Theory, the clock had passed midnight and I was starting to really feel the lack of sleep, so it wasn’t too long after this that I excused myself and we thanked each other for a wonderful day before I headed out the door and home to get some much deserved sleep..

Ten hours of much deserved sleep, it turned out..

Johan and Tina’s Wild Weekend Adventures, Part 1

I’ve been home for 15 hours now. This is the longest I’ve spent in my apartment since, well, Wednesday, I think. Plans for the weekend were initially pretty simple: dinner with Tina Friday, Serving at a birthday party in Tina’s family on Saturday, nothingness on Sunday.. But sometime Thursday, things started getting a little more complicated than that..

I really don’t know how it all started other than I spent most of Thursday having this weird feeling that I’d better not make any plans for the day Friday. My feelings were confirmed on Thursday evening shortly after arriving at work when a text message arrived from Tina asking me what my plans were for Friday other than dinner with her. I told her I had nothing planned and she in turn said that she had some preparations for her presentation of her thesis to do but really wouldn’t mind some company throughout the day. I really don’t know what it is with Tina and I and the bond that we share, but we’re scarily good at picking up on how the other is feeling.. To a point where it sometimes borders on mutual precognitive abilities.. Like this time around where I’d sensed something was up before Tina even took the time to tell me that she wasn’t feeling entirely happy and wouldn’t mind some company.

Long story short, issues regarding insecurity about the future and the shape of things to come has apparently gotten to others than just me and I was only more than happy to rip a day out of the calendar to do what I do best which is make Tina smile when she’s feeling down. And I decided to do so in the best possible way that I know of: by spoiling he silly and treating her to a day all about her, good food, good wine, fun and games. In essence, I spent the next few hours at work trying to cheer her up best as I could from afar and assuring her that I had a perfect plan for making her feel better which involved getting up early the next day, trotting down to her, keeping her company, keeping her well-fed for all meals of the day and generally spreading good vibes.

This, of course, was a truth with modifications. I didn’t really have any plan at all, or any clues what to do. I do, however, have the powers of improvisation and a knack for knowing what pleases Tina and makes her happy. My little white lie worked, though, and tiny Tina eventually went to bed at around 1:30 AM, a little more at ease (hopefully) and looking forward to the day to come. I on the other hand, spent the next few hours at work and the trip home thinking about just what the hell to do about the next day.

Dinner was easy: I had for the longest time promised to cook Pad Thai for the two of us and Friday was supposed to be the day I’d live up to my promise. Pad Thai, prior to final assembly is probably one of the most disgusting looking and smelling dishes in the world, so I had most of the preparations out of the way already. I’d also matched a white wine to go with the dish that I’d already let Tina sample a sip of so I knew she’d approve. So dinner was pretty safe.. But what about everything else?

Well, there’d have to be snacks! No matter how well I feed my dear friend she will without exceptions always get the munchies within a couple of hours after dinner once the movies (or series) start rolling and we start chilling and laughing. Thing is, I’m an idiot when it comes to snacks, so I settled for just popping by the 24 hour store on the way home and buying a bag of a certain brand of potato chips I know she enjoys and that we have a history of maybe sharing one too many bags of. Cheap and easy trick, but hey it works and I made sure to get one featuring various geometric shapes of chips because I know my adorably retarded little friend gets a kick out of sorting the shapes and deciding who gets to have which.

Good, snacks out of the way.. But what are snacks without drinks? Simply put (in my perfect little world anyways): Nothing! Luckily, Tina is super easy to please when it comes to drinks. There’s really ever only one option: Mojito! Or, more specifically, my homemade Mojito. I don’t mean to brag, but it’s really the only thing I’ve seen that can create a true Pavlovian response in her. You mention the word Mojito to her or even just show her one of the ingredients and she knows what’s coming, her eyes light up, she beams at you and starts smiling uncontrollably. It is at the same time both beyond funny and beyond cute and needless to say a perfect reason why I’d include homemade Mojitos as part of my plan to put a smile on her face.

At this time in the planning process, the hour had reached 3:15 AM Friday morning and I’d just made it home and in the door. As I’d decided to get up at about 10:30 AM, the reasonable choice would have been to go to bed and get some sleep. I, however, am not a very reasonable person and still had work to do. First things first, I got a single serving of lasagna out of the freezer. Partially because I’d promised her some lasagna ages ago, partially because I knew her financial situation wasn’t too good and I wanted her to at least have something to eat, and also partially because I’d had a little of badly timed fun on her behalf Thursday.. And, well, in an inside joke that only her and I will understand, homemade lasagna means I’m sorry (really, don’t ask, it’s a long, complicated story).

The retrieval of the “I’m so sorry lasagna” left only one blank step in my plan to spoil Tina silly. A suitable lunch to serve for her upon my arrival the next day. Again, most people would have gone to bed and worried about that the next day. But then again, I am not most people, so my solution to this final obstacle was to put on the newest episode of Ghost Hunters, grab a beer from the fridge and rummage through my pantry and fridge for things to turn into lunch for the next day. I pretty quickly ended up finding some onions, some garlic and some organic whole wheat spaghetti. I also found a whole bunch of really ripe tomatoes and shortly before 4 AM, an idea dawned to me: Spaghetti with tomato cream sauce with fresh basil and roasted garlic. So on went the stove, the oven and the fan and while most of the rest of the world was sleeping, Johan cooked tomato sauce, roasted garlic, sipped a beer and whiled away time.

I’m not sure your taste buds are really up to par at 5 AM in the morning, but I must admit that the end result was pretty good in my eyes and probably would taste even better with the addition of cream and basil in the morning.. It would appear I now had a fully functional plan for the cheering up of one Tina, involving me turning up in high spirits (and obviously tired), finishing the lunch for her, keeping her company throughout her struggle with the presentation, cooking her Pad Thai for dinner and pouring wine on her, feeding her drinks and snacks and doing whatever she wanted.. All I needed now was to write a shopping list for the last remaining ingredients I needed to purchase in the morning and then getting a few hours of sleep before executing the plan..

This couldn’t possibly fail.. Right?

Time Out!

My mom came to visit today. One of the first things she asked me was “So, isn’t it hard having so little to do all of a sudden?” And strangely enough, I found myself answering her in a confirming manner. For the longest time, all I wanted was some time off, now that I have time off, I don’t know what to do with it.. Granted, I try to make the best of it: I work some, write on my resume and am trying to piece together a “draft” for future applications, I’ve even taken to cleaning and cooking regularly.. But still, there’s just so damn much free time and I can’t help but feeling weird and/or guilty for spending it just goofing off when I feel like there should be something constructive I could be doing instead.. God I hate that feeling!

But, eh, like I said, I try to make the best of it and find things to do. As a result, I’ve cleaned out the pig sty that my home had become, I’ve started prepping my job search, I’ve cooked dinner for the weekend without knowing of the people I’ll be spending it with even wanted me to do that.. And I’ve been around, had a few beers, made a few plans, sometimes too many plans for myself to remember and I’ve been off my ass drunk a few times.. Usually some of these things have coincided, such as getting off my ass drunk and making plans I couldn’t remember. Like last Saturday at the Uboat where Michael and I may have had one or two beers too many and I start chatting Tina up very enthusiastically not only making plans about hanging out the day after,  but apparently also about hanging out on Monday and having dinner together and stuff. The first part of these plans I do remember and we did have a very nice Sunday hanging out at Dunkel’s, having dinner and watching movies.. It wasn’t till late in the evening when I was walking Tina home and she asked what time I’d be over the day after (Monday) that I got a little confused and went “Heh? What?”

Now, as much as I constantly tease Tina, I will have to give her a lot of credit for being damn cool about a lot of the really outrageously stupid things I pull off every now and then.. Such as, say, making great plans with her in a state of intoxication and blankly forgetting all about it. Now, I know a lot of people who would (rightfully) have been very upset about such behavior.. Tina, on the other hand just shot me a smile and started shaking her head and giggling at my being a dumbass. I do understand she cuts me a little extra slack on account of our special friendship, but still: kudos to her for not ripping my head off

As it turns out, the plans I had very enthusiastically proposed to  Tina involved us hanging out, getting some sushi and generally having a good time. Which, I must say, was one of the better ideas I’d ever gotten while intoxicated, and I wish I’d have remembered it well enough to be able to take credit for it! But since it was Tina who related the idea to me on a dark street on a Sunday evening, it all felt more like her idea. But eh, regardless, I was more than up for it and went home to sleep on it.

I woke Monday at around 7:30 AM. For the record, this may be the first time since Tina and I went to Brussels this spring that I have been up before 8 AM. It was a struggle, but it had to be done. Apparently we had a real estate agent coming over to take a look at the house and as such I couldn’t really be in bed sleeping when he needed to check my part of the house. Or, well, as it turned out, I could as he had apparently seen the house before and did not need to take a look at my quarters.. Happy joy!

Oh well, due to the bright and early start to the day, I managed to get a lot of work done even before noon when Tina and I stuck our heads together and figured out that maybe, just maybe, we should invite Zascha along for our sushi adventures of the evening. Which, of course, we did. Only Zascha couldn’t make it to Kolding, so in a split decision, we decided that if Zascha couldn’t come here then we’d go visit her at her parents’ later.. Later meaning at around 1 PM, about an hour after we’d gotten the idea.

So, at around 1 PM, Tina dropped by and borrowed my internet while my landlord and I plus a few of his friends finished thrashing around the apartment looking for things that needed fixing before the house could go on sale. We then set off in Tina’s little car towards the fair town of Juelsminde, blasting a bit of heaving fucking metal along the way. The drive was rather smooth and uneventful, with us only being in mortal peril like once along the way. We arrived about an hour later and was greeted by Zascha, her little dog, Micha, her mother and her grandmother.. All of which are great people, save Micha who is a great dog!

We joined Zascha and her mother in the kitchen for coffee while Zascha’s grandmother set off to mow the lawn. I kinda figured I should’ve asked her if she needed help, but on the other hand I was a guest and I understand she’d just been through a major operation plus recovery and probably needed to keep herself going. I hope no one was upset. Anyways, catching with the girls was nice even if I was a little outnumbered and had problems getting my point across in various situations because apparently I have a history of disagreeing with both Zascha and Tina for the sheer sake of disagreeing and apparently they capitalize and punish me for that when they have me outnumbered. This, of course, is hardly fair.. But there you go.

After coffee and discussions and heated arguments about this and that (including why I shouldn’t marry neither Tina nor Zascha), we decided to head out for a while and check out the sights and sounds. This led to a fun-filled trip around the town of Juelsminde by both car and feet and a lot of recollections of the good times that were had by all during our previous visits. As it turns out, a lot of drunken fun was had in a lot of different places and getting to revisit those places proved both a nostalgic and fun experience.. I’m not entirely sure why, but a lot of the stories seemed to revolve around Christian and I either getting really drunk or doing something really destructive in this or that place.. Ah memories!

We returned to Zascha’s parents’ place a few hours later and when we did, her father had returned from work and her mother had dinner at the ready. Tina and I had originally planned to return home and get sushi for dinner but since Zascha’s mother had already counted on us for dinner and we’re not really the kinda poor students to turn down free food, we decided to stay and have dinner with the family. Staying proved a good choice. Not only had Zascha’s mom made creamy tomato soup for dinner, she’d also heated some salmon/potato/leek casserole leftovers and made Zasha’s dad get a few beers out for us. Speaking of Zascha’s dad, have I ever mentioned that the guy is a complete riot? He really is the kinda guy that will give you all sorts of shit and hardships, but in no demeaning manner whatsoever. Since that’s pretty much how I work as well, he and I usually have a pretty good time together – mostly on my behalf, though, but that’s okay, I’ll live. This time around, we may have ganged up on Tina a bit, though, something that didn’t make her all too happy as she seemed to think that we should stick to just trashing each other. But regardless, I’m pretty sure a good time was had by all.

After dinner, Tina and one too many insults or instances of name-calling, Tina and I got ready to drive back to Kolding, made our goodbyes with Zascha, her parents and ye little doggie and got back in the car, homeward bound, singing along to Stone Sour as we drove. When we returned, we went to Tina’s, grabbed a beer, did some silly, crazy planning for next weekend, the details of which can’t be related here, had another beer and a few laughs and decided to watch a few episodes of “The Big Bang Theory”.. Good times indeed!

At a little past midnight, I was finally cracking under the strain of having been up way too early for my liking and excused myself seeing as Tina, too, was starting to look a little worn down and tired. I made my goodbyes with the little one and went on my way home where I arrived absolutely exhausted at around 12:40 AM, only to find that I (of course) couldn’t sleep as my mind was racing with all sorts of weird thoughts about the future.. Lovely!

It had, however, been quite a lovely day although I barely got anything constructive done. I guess I do owe it to myself to take half days off every now and then.. Right?

In Search Of Perfection: All In All, It’s Just SpagBol in a bowl..

Okay, I admit it: Over the years, I’ve done some downright insane and over the top things when it came to cooking.. There was a time I thought Lasagna from scratch was a real project, now things such as veal stock, six hour chili con carnes, demi-glace or dinner for ten made in the comfort of Tina’s studio apartment and tea kitchen pop to mind..

Basically, hand me a complicated cooking task and I’ll be all wound up about it for days on end, researching, comparing notes, checking tips and techniques.. And of course twisting things to my own liking because following a recipe is just plain boring (right? No? Oh well..). This obsession with food and food preparation confuse and bewilder a lot of people, it pisses some people off (because I don’t usually use measurements of any kind and just generally cook things till they’re done, thus making my dishes hard for others to replicate).. But, in the end, it also makes a lot of people happy because they get to enjoy some (usually) good food.

Anyways, I think I have finally found my evil overlord in the field of food science geekery and attention to detail.. In the shape of one Heston Blumenthal. In case you’ve never heard of him, he’s the head chef and owner of the Fat Duck restaurant outside of London which is supposedly one of the best restaurants in the world and one of the few to be awarded three of them prestigious Michelin stars.. On top of this, he’s also insanely funny, knowledgeable, geeky.. And super attentive to details about food. He did a show a few years ago called “In Search Of Perfection” in which he goes looking for the origin of some of Britain’s favorite dishes, spent a few months deconstructing them completely before coming up with his own so-called “perfect” versions of the various dishes. The results are some very entertaining shows containing more food facts than you could shake a stick at, interesting cooking tips, downright geeky explanations of the chemistry of cooking.. And some fuck off complicated versions of classic dishes to boot!

His general concept is that people should be able to recreate the dishes at home. And I guess people could.. But after seeing his version of chili con carne that takes two days to cook or his Tikka Masala recipe using a home-built Tandoor oven, I doubt anyone ever would.. Except me, of course! Because, well, we all know I’m not to be outdone by anybody.. So, while I have employed some of his tips and skills in various other recipes for a while now, trying one of those monster contraptions of his has been a dream of mine for a while now..

The first problem in this grand plan was, of course, figuring out what the hell to cook of his. I’m already well on my way to perfecting a chili con carne recipe of my own, so I couldn’t go into that. His pizza looked too dull for me to try as I already make pretty good pizza myself. There was no way in hell I’m gonna build a Tandoor oven for the sake of cooking Tikka Massala.. Well, I would.. But I’d hurt myself in the process and then Tina and Zascha would be mad.. Then I’d go on to burn myself and they’d be even more mad.. So no! I don’t eat duck, so Peking duck was out of the question and chicken was, again, too dull.

In the end, the only dish I wound up with that seemed both suitable, likable, interesting and doable was.. Spaghetti Bolognese! Now, Spaghetti Bolognese is something I’ve felt very strongly about ever since finding out that there’s actually no such thing as Spaghetti Bolognese.. It’s apparently called Ragu alla Bolognese (after the town of Bologna and the fact that it’s a stew (or ragout)) and is traditionally served over tagiatelle or fettuccine pastas, not spaghetti as spaghetti and heavy, meaty sauces are generally very incompatible. Also, it’s traditionally a very simple dish so the fact that a three star chef would make it utterly complicated.. Well, it at one point both confused, appalled and fascinated me.. So SpagBol it was!

Of course, I’m not about to let just any three stared chef tell me how to do things, and I am, by the way, driven by my firm promise to myself never to strictly follow recipes developed by others.. So my quest started out not with shopping.. But with reading up on the recipe (which by the way is available here if you’re feeling courageous or stupid), reading up on reactions on the recipe, comparing other more traditional recipes, spending more time than I’d like to disclose about considering meat to tomato rations and onion to celery dittos.. And all sorts of jazz! All in all, the research portion of this project alone took me a full day to complete.

Shopping was an entirely different issue all-together. The ingredient list for this dish is grotesque: It features over a kilo of onions, a half kilo of carrots, a kilo of fresh tomatoes, over a kilo and a half of meat (if you do like me and screw up and buy veal instead of beef and thus end up adding both pork, veal and beef to the ragu).. Oh and a splash of Oaked Chardonnay (a bottle ought to do). Heston also goes bonkers and adds things such as tomato ketchup and Nam Pla, which.. I’m sorry.. But.. No! The concept alone of a three star chef adding ketchup to a dish, well, I wasn’t gonna have any of that! Nam Pla I sorta did understand, but I’m adding a lot of salt already, also in the shape of bacon, something Heston strangely enough have chosen to leave out.. Either way, let’s just say that shopping was extensive even if I was rather shocked to find out that I actually had many of the ingredients at hand already.

The cooking process? Well, sheesh.. There was no blood this time around but sweat and tears? Dear God yes.. Slicing and dicing a kilo of onions? It was horrible.. And the pressing heat in the kitchen didn’t make things much better.. The process started some time just around moon and at the time of this writing (8 PM) it still has about an hour of simmering to do. It hasn’t been as tough as I’d actually expected it to be, it’s been mostly a matter of sweating (vegetable, I mean), browning, caramelizing, reducing and waiting.. As well as doing a ton of dishes. The most involved parts have actually been all the chopping.

So, days of planning, extensive shopping and nine hours of cooking aside, I can safely say it hasn’t actually been that bad.. And I’ll (hopefully) soon have another over the top cooking story behind me..

I sure am getting hungry sitting around waiting for this to finish, though, what with the smell of bolognese having filled the house for the past seven odd hour or so.. Maybe it’s time for a drink… Yes, I rather think it is..

Johan has a blonde moment.. Or two..

Fuck me, I’m an idiot sometimes.. And since I make such a great number of other’s (*cough* Tina *cough*) having their blonde moments and/or being adorably retarded, I guess it’s only fair I share some of my own mental slips..

Ahem, anyways, as some of you will know, I have real problems getting enough fats into my diet as I don’t generally respond too well to it, I also eat nowhere near as much fish as I should.. And as a result, I take fish oil capsules as a supplement every morning. Those who know me even better will know that I’m constantly on a quest for useless knowledge, especially when it comes to food, and it was probably for this reason that I found myself reading the nutritional information and ingredients on the container of said fish oil capsules.. Which is something you shouldn’t ever do because it leads to you discovering pretty disturbing facts such as fish oil capsules containing amongst other things, bovine gelatine.. A fact that hugely upset me for all of ten minutes because I felt more emphasis should be put on these pills containing animal byproducts. Because what if vegetarians unaware of this fact were to eat the pills and as such unknowingly violating their diets and moral beliefs..

I was actually well on my way to texting TIna and crying out my rage until a little voice inside my head finally posed the pressing question: “Wait a moment, dumb ass.. Why on earth would vegetarians eat something clearly labeled as containing fish? Fish are friends not food!” – so, in the general interest of not making a complete ass of myself, I quickly deleted the message I’d about finished typing and went on with my everyday business..

Something that went well for all of six odd hours or so until I found myself at work, talking to a few of my colleagues including Remi, our resident Latvian guy. I don’t actually remember most of the conversation, being rather busy (believe it or not) with my chores at the time, but somehow we get to talking about Russians to which Remi, in his thick accent, comments: “I was born in Soviet Union!” – to which I kinda laugh to myself and go “Pffft.. Right, you’re from f’ing Latvia, silly!” – though, again, thankfully not out loud! That’s right.. Apparently the fact that Latvia was a part of the Soviet Union until 1991 had blissfully escaped me along with the fact that vegetarians don’t eat fish.. Good grief!

But, y’know, I so enjoy making fun of other people’s blonde moments, I guess it’s only fair I contribute a few of my own.. I’ll try not to let them become too frequent, though.

I like you better in Tequila form!

Following my trip to see AC/DC in Copenhagen, I’ve spent a few days regrouping, restituting and recovering in Nyborg at my dad’s and his family. It’s been an all-together good experience with me doing what I do best: Eating other people’s food and drinking their expensive beers and wines.

As a new bonus, my dad has actually gotten with the program, pole vaulted into the 21^st century and bought a wireless router, so I now have Internet connectivity on my laptop when I’m here. Well, okay, that’s a truth with modifications, thing is, it’s down right now so I haven’t actually got Internet at the moment. Either way, it’s caused me to keep up somewhat with the outside world and work on my thesis alongside goofing off.. Oh, and doing yard work!

No, this is true.. Johan doing yard work! I know, that does sound odd, and yes, I had no idea what I was doing most of the time. But I got suckered into it yesterday anyways. All I was doing was really trying to take a walk to clear my head and somehow I got pulled into helping out. Not that I really knew what I was doing as I stomped along in the garden sporting my $200 designer shoes and looking utterly lost, but I managed to rake a lot of soil.. And apparently destroy a lot of would be plants in the process.. I will claim no responsibility for this, though, I made it fully clear to everybody that I had no idea what I was doing before being left to fend for myself!

The end result was a unanimous decision that it would probably be better if I just returned to my books.. Which I gladly did, but not before – in true Johan fashion – wrecking complete havoc and causing myself sufficient amounts of pain and bodily harm. See, I decided on completing one final task before returning to the books – namely helping one of the neighbors dispose of my dad’s mom in law’s Agave.

Anybody here know anything about Agave? Well, I didn’t.. Other than the obvious fact that it’s a cacti-like plant which is used in the production of tequila (count on me to know this and nothing else). Apparently it’s also a really decorative thing that will eventually grow pretty damn huge, at which point your dad’s mom in law might want to get rid of it.. And that’s where my learning process began. As it turns out, agaves not only sport torns that sting like a motherfucker, their juice is also part of their natural defenses and as such is a grade A irritant to most mammals.. Humans included. Again, no one had bothered to tell me, so I showed up for the disposing process wearing nothing but gloves and a t-shirt.

Things went well for a good long while. The agave plant itself was located in the dear old lady’s basement and my helping hand, the neighbor had already been wise enough to cut down the plant sufficiently as for us not to get stung by the needles and reduce the weight… Smart that. We now only had a 120 pound root and a few exposed branches dripping with fresh juice to carry to a conveniently placed dumpster down the street. So I grabbed the thing with my exposed arm and off we went.. And things were good for a good long while until we started struggling with getting the damn cacti-like thing out of the pot and I started feeling a mild stinging sensation in my arm. The ensuing conversation went something like this.

Me: “I thought you said you’d cut the thorns off”

Neighbor: “I did!”

Me: “Then why do I feel this… Holy fuck.. Ow!”

Neighbor: “What?”

(At this time we both look down on my exposed arm and see red rashes starting to form in several places)

Me: “Well, this is a problematic result..”

Neighbor: “Doesn’t that hurt?”

Me (whimpering ever so slightly): “Somewhat?”

Neighbor: “You’re not allergic to these kinda things, are you? You should probably go wash that.. And maybe let Birthe know just in case you start falling over or anything..”

Me: “Thanks, that’s really reassuring, I’ll go do that”

And with that, I left the neighbor to bring the empty pots home and went to wash my arm which was, by the way, now burning ever so slightly more than my face did the last time I fell into a wasps’ nest.. And yet, as I stood there alternating between washing my arm in cold water and in soothing aloe lotion, I couldn’t help but giggle a little at my own ingenuity when it came to constantly finding new ways of hurting myself.

I eventually calmed down enough to go look up into on the agave plant only to find that articles about it contained serious health warnings saying that contact with the juice of most agaves will cause acute inflammation and blistering of the skin lasting up to two weeks and itching sensations lasting up to a year after the inflammation has died down.. “Swell,” I thought, “once again something that could have been brought to my attention yesterday!”

But I’m not one to complain, really, the acute burning sensation died down after some ten hours and is now only a bit of an itchy sensation which is a lot easier to ignore. my skin has now gone from bright red to interestingly dry, striped and blistered. Iffy as that may sound, it’s actually a huge improvement. I sure hope it doesn’t wear on for a year, though, I could think of better things to do with my time than spending it resisting the urge to scratch my arm.

And I can think of better things to do with agaves and agave juice than causing bodily hard to innocent computer geeks.. I’ll stick to the tequila next time, thank you very much, at least that way I’ll only have myself to blame for any resulting bodily injuries or discomfort.

Also, I think I’ve had my fair share of yard work for the summer now. If I ever get rich enough to own a house with a large garden, my main priority will be to also get rich enough to be able to hire a gardener! Hah!

Running, scrambling, trying..

Wait, I don’t think that’s exactly how the song goes.. Nevermind..

Busy day today!! I haven’t been doing much work in terms of my thesis, but between packing for the upcoming Brussels trip, trying to figure out travel arrangements for Rock Am Ring, taking care of business and busying myself with insane projects, I think I’ve, never the less, had my work cut out for me.

Packing was probably the easiest part of the process, since I haven’t really done it yet. Well, I’ve done laundry and packed a few bottles of wine, does that count? I’d have thunk that making travel arrangements for Rock Am Ring would be easier, but that was before I took into account the possibility of seemingly simple things going horribly askew. Apparently there’d once again been some sort of miscommunication so that my planned time of departure coincided with Tina’s planned time for finishing up her last day of work before our summer festival adventure.. Confusion, scrambling, departure/price checking, rearranging and a bit of arguing ensued.. Not at all helped on by the fact that both of us were having a pretty bad and stressed out day. But in the end, it was all cool.. Tina and I have this great friendship where we’ll blow up or blow a little steam off at one another and then be like “Y’know, I’m having a really bad day, I’m sorry.. No, I’m sorry.. Etc..” Heck, Tina and I have the kinda friendship where we’ll be perfectly fine and still decide to bitch, moan and groan at one another for no apparent reason other than the fun factor.. Long story short, Tina managed to pull a few strings and get out of the last few hours of her shift that evening (thanks babe!) and I managed to score us some really cheap train tickets for that very same evening departure, so hopefully in the end, it all worked out.. And with the added joy of being on hold with the railroad company hotline, it only set us back about an hour.

Which meant that I was now running pretty late with my other plans for the day which involved getting some Euros for the trips ahead of us, picking up some writable CD’s to burn playlists for the looming road trip to Brussels onto.. And taking Oliver, my ornamental chili, down to Tina who has agreed to keep him for me since I’m running out of space on my windowsill.. So I picked up a bag, gathered some stuff and rushed out the door, then rushed back and remembered to pick up Oliver before rushing back out the door and towards Tina.. Where, on the way, I ran into Louise who I hadn’t seen in ages and who looked reasonable surprised to see me sprinting along, carrying a semi-large ornamental fruit-bearing chili plant in my arms.

“Oh, y’know, just taking Oliver for a little walk,” I ventured. “Oh, umm.. Okay.. He likes that then?” came the reply.. To which I’d have to confess that I had no idea but that we’d just have to find out. We chatted for a little before I had to rush on which was probably for the better as we’d met up in the middle of a busy intersection. I made it to Tina’s a few minutes later and stayed there for like all of a minute or so. Basically just long enough to drop off Oliver, take a look at some route plans and then scrambling off again nearly forgetting myself, my belongings and my manners in the process.. Way to go Johan!

I spent the next twenty odd minutes running around downtown looking for writable CD’s without much luck, anywhere I went were either sold out, only carried large packs or didn’t know what a writable CD was. I eventually ended up at some photo shop where I, after explaining to the clerk what I was after and where on the shelf behind him he could find said item, I managed to score a few CD’s which I triumphantly carried with me on my run towards the bank which was about to close.. But apparently no more so than they found time to completely ignore me for a few minutes once I arrived short of breath, dazzled and rather upset after having just run into a bunch of local politicians on the street who’d have very much loved to tell me about their political agenda.. Which I in no way agreed with.

Having stood up to being ignored for about five minutes, I eventually got my pretty euro bills and was rewarded with a quick dash home to check on my latest project of the day.. Which also just happened to be my most insane cooking adventure yet, an honest attempt of making home-made demi-glace from scratch. Yea, I know.. 30 hours for a sauce.. Count on the French to make seemingly simple cooking procedures all drawn out and bombastic like. But hey, I like a challenge.. And it’s mostly just a waiting game.. Had it not been for the fact that by the time I left, I wasn’t sure I’d gotten the temperature under the stock pot just right, so I was rather interested to see if I’d come back to a cold stock or a burned mess.. Neither of which happened.. But there has been a strange veal-like aroma taking over the house for the past 12 hours.. Hmm.. I’m actually looking forward to the result of this crazy experiment and am hoping it’ll offer a little extra to the combined birthday dinner I’m putting together for Zascha and Tina on Friday.

So, that was it for the day, right? No, there was still the matter of a working night at GLS, with overtime to boot, and the writing of this update.. Which I promised myself I’d keep short, but alas poor Johan.. Either way, I’m off to check on my insane, retarded cooking project one last time, then off to bed for a few hours of sleep before starting all over again tomorrow..

But then, on the day after tomorrow.. We’re off to Brussels.. YAY!