Nyborg.. December 25th, 12 noon..
I was sitting at Birthe’s mother’s place for their family’s annual Christmas luncheon kinda thing. I’ve been propped up in the corner as I’m apparently the only one small enough to fit into the small gap between the table and the wall. Oh well, I’m not complaining, at least the upside to being scrawny is that you get to fit into places where other people would generally feel uncomfortable. The obvious downside to being scrawny and being propped up in a corner next to a couple of heavy set young fellows from Birthe’s family is, of course, that they tend to all want to show you how much of a better drinker than you they are. Combine this with your avertage Danish Christmas lunch which generally mixes large amounts of pickled herring with ample servings of schnapps on the side and you’re in for one hell of a ride.
Of course, I kinda had things to do on the next day, so I held back as best as I could. My dad and I started out sharing a few X-mas brews, and of course I had a couple of shots with the boys. One for the left leg, one for the right leg and one for the third leg.. Y’know, the usual stuff. I politely declined a fourth shot, but had to tag along on the fifth as the yelling and complaints were getting pretty much unbearable.. The boys next to me were by now getting so loud and personal in their efforts to tell me how puny a drinker I was, so I decided to just play along and send them packing. In another shot, we’d finished the first half bottle of schnapps, and it seemed only natural to get another. I knew I was in for a pretty easy kill when the boys started hugging and patting eachother all while reaching for the next bottle and making suggestive remarks about my sexuality.. Somehow such oxymoronic behavior is a pretty good sign that you’ve sent people reeling.
Anyways, no time for gloating when there was schnapps to be had. In another little hour or so, we’d finished the next bottle and I pretty much declared myself the winner of the great schnapps battle of 2007 after one of the blokes, Kenneth, started hitting on me (much to the dismay of his girlfriend) while the other bloke, Dennis, went home to take a shower after inadvertently pissing all over his pants in an attempt to go to the bathroom.. So much for scrawny guys not being able to hold their liquor! By now the clock had just about struck 5 PM, and we’d gone through about a bottle and a half of schnapps which made me more than happy to go back to beers for a while.
What made me even more happy was a message from Dunkel inviting me to come on over and have a couple of beers with him. By now, I was more than happy to escape the clutches of family X-mas celebrations, and what with my feeling a sliiiight buzz from the schnapps consumption, I wasn’t really giving a lot of thought into having to get up the next morning. So, I packed up the rest of my stuff, said my goodbyes and jumped on a train for Kolding.. Where I jumped on off of the train at around 7:30, sniffed the sweet Kolding air (was that urin? Yum!) and set off to a fast food joint to grab a sammich for the way. I then, gifts and all, made my way to Dunkel’s place where he greeted me with beers, whisky and all.
I must admit that with 12 or so shots of schnapps in me, a barrage of beers and other goodies, this is where things started to get a little blurry, so I was all but happy when Dunkel put on a movie and I got to wind down for a little. I was happy, too, when our buddy Jens arrived, a happiness which quickly faded somewhat as I he opened up his bag and produced about a fourth of a liter of schnapps! Oh dear God, not again! I only wish I’d not spent so much time bragging about my ability to drink a couple of fat Nyborg people under the table, coz.. Well, once you talk the talk, you’d better bring it, bitch! So, cheers.. One schnapps, two schnapps, three schnapps, floor! Well, not really, I did show an amazing ability to keep upright and evidently somewhat coherent, but in all honesty, I cannot tell you much about what happened after the third shot. I’d proved my worth, but at what cost, I wonder.
Kolding.. December 26th, 10 AM..
Well, suffice to say, I woke up the next morning in a state of confusion as my alarm went off. I looked at my phone.. 10 AM.. 10 AM.. What was I supposed to do at 10 AM? FUCK! That’s when my mom was supposed to pick me up and drive us down to my grandma.. And there I was, still drunk off my ass, having not showered, barely having time to brush my teeth, put on clothes and run a comb through my hair.. While not even noticing the fucked up state of my kitchen (apparently someone had attempted the art of fine cooking that night). My mom, thank God, arrived about five minutes late but did not fail to spot the foul stench of cheap alcohol coming off her son’s breath, nor was she able to ignore his incoherent rants and his apparent surprise to find his X-mas presents OUTSIDE his front door..
Oh well, off we went, to the tune of Johan’s ready-made arsenal of apologies and his admitting that, no, this was indeed not a very clever move on his part. Things went well for a while, though, I was happy we made a short stop at a florist not too far out of town. It wasn’t until about an hour into the trip that my mom apparently noticed me going white as a ghost and going into cold sweats and shaking ever so slightly. Thankfully, she pulled over, and thankfully I managed to keep the contents of my stomach down, and thankfully we located a gas station where my mom thankfully purchased a large bottle of bottled water, a paper cup.. And a plastic bag.. Hmm, wonder what that was for?
Anyways, on we went and this time we managed to make it the entire way there without interruptions. Needless to say, once we arrived people laughed.. A lot! But that’s okay, i had that coming, and I probably deserve every anecdote that will be told about this day from now and onwards.. I’m just happy I survived the day and that I was able to at least get a laugh out of people. I’m sure other families would’ve been pissed.. The five hours that we did spend there were probably the longest five hours of my life, though.. What with dinner, coffee and everything.. Hey, it’d be rude to insult my grandma’s cooking by not eating any of the delicious food she’d prepared. I stuck to single servings, though, and for the record, Danish traditional rice pudding is not the easiest thing to eat on a hangover.. But down it went either way, unlike the coffee which I just couldn’t stomach.
Come 5 PM, I was more than happy to be heading home. I was, at this time, starting to feel somewhat alive again and while not thrilled about spending an hour and a half in a car, I managed much better this time around and when we arrived back in Kolding, I’d actually regained my appetite which was good as my mother had prepared a lot of yumminess for dinner which I actually managed to wash down with a beer.. only took me about 10 hours to start feeling better again.. I’m definitely never touching the schnapps again, though!