I’ve achieved what many at work thought I wouldn’t.. I survived the day! Which means I may or may not have won a bet.. Confused? Yea, betting on your own life doesn’t seem the most reasonable thing to do, I’m sure.. But when did I ever opt for the reasonable path through life? In case you’re wondering, the answer is NEVER!
So, what did I do last night that was so bad that I should’ve feared for my life today? Well, its’ quite simple, really.. It all started with me being bored.. And nothing good ever ensues from me being bored.. Last night I decided to pass time by assembling a care package for Tina.. Only, as always, I’m the idiot friend so it was a care package of the alternative kind.. Oh.. Before we go any further, a little explaining is in order, I guess.
I don’t think it’s any secret that Tina feels that over the past few months of being away from Kolding, she’s been gaining a little bit of weight which is something that really bothers her, coz, well, humans are like that.. I, of course, hadn’t really taken any notice before she rather elaborately pointed it out to me. Partially because I think she’s beautiful as ever, partially because she’s still slim, and partially because I’m a guy (a breed known to be notoriously blind to changes).. And a guy friend at that, so it’s not like I try to make a habit of observing whether or not her ass has grown from time to time.. And even if I did, knowing us guys, my reaction would be something along the lines of “Umm.. Yes.. And what was the problem again?” .. Ahem.. Anyways.. I can respect and sympathize with the fact that it bothers her, even if it is getting a lot better (see, now that I can see as the problem has so profusely been brought to my attention)..
Anyway, being the ever idiotic friend that I am, my sympathy comes in the shape of being a total asshole about things and repeatedly poking fun of both the fact that she’s gained like a pound and the fact that she’s complaining about it.. Which, really, is just my way of saying I love her and for her not to worry too much.. Like I’ve mentioned oft times before, my way of saying things have a way of getting me into trouble. Luckily Tina knows my ways and understands that I’m not out to hurt and offend her and on the odd chance that I do, I’ll so horrendously sorry that I’ll either fall to my knees in apologetic begging for forgiveness, buy her a drink or come running the next day with a nice, home-cooked meal, yelling “I’m SO sorry!”
So, yea, with that in mind, I decided to spent last night at work fixing her a care package. It all sorta started when I walked into the cafeteria over coffee and found an apple lying around which initially made me think that “hey, I should get this for Tina.. With the words that the next time she’s hungry and craving pop corn or whatever else is bad for her, she can eat that and not have to feel guilty or complain afterwards.” So far, so good.. And still reasonably nice and thoughtful. Things didn’t really evolve into I run into a bunch of brochures about exercise, dieting and weight loss and I got to thinking.. “Wouldn’t it be even more fun to just be a total prick?” Of course it would! So I grabbed a bunch of those and headed back to work, hauling with me two pots of coffee and apple and a bunch of brochures on weight-loss and exercise!
“What’s that?” My colleagues inquired when I got back.. “Oh,” I replied, “Tina has been bitching a while now about having gained like two pounds, so I got here this healthy snack and these brochures on weight loss and exercise in the hope that I wouldn’t have to listen to it much longer.”
“Yea…” came the reply, “you’ll be a dead man tomorrow.. You REALLY shouldn’t do that to your girlfriend!”.. Now, as I told them, contrary to popular belief, Tina isn’t my girlfriend, so I reckoned I could get away with it without too many physical injuries.. “Whatever,” they argued, “she’s still a girl, right?” – “You’re a bold man, Johan, a bold, silly man!” Jakob added as he walked away, shaking his head in disbelief.
Of course, at this time, I couldn’t help but text Tina and tell her I’d found a present for her which resulted in many a curious message from her stating that she couldn’t wait to figure out what it was.. Which kinda made me feel that I might be in a little trouble after all when she found out that the present she’d so been looking forward to was nothing more than a stab, albeit a loving one, at her current situation.. So I kinda made an effort to tell her to not get her hopes up, too much, I have a history of being an idiot with presents after all.
But a living idiot, at least.. Even now 24 hours after the events described above and after having presented Tina with my thoughtful care package.. Which actually not only made her smile.. But, contrary to what I’d hoped for, actually made her all happy like as she ended up, rather than scratching my eyes out in blind rage, reading through the material and taking some of the fat-burning advice to heart.. Who’d have thunk? Here you go, trying your best to upset people and they end up appreciating your efforts and appreciating you.. I can’t ever do things right, not only when I deliberately try to fuck something up!