I destroyed a LOT of things last weekend.. Parts of a patio table, an electric guitar, my brand new Hendrix tee, parts of myself and a home-brew beer.. But strangely enough, it all began quite quietly and nice-like.. With me wandering around on my own at home, enjoying a day off and listening to some soothing Rammstein.. Umm, okay, so it didn’t start entirely quietly, but things were to get a hell of a lot worse.. It all started going downhill when Tina first called at around 3 PM and convinced me that beers in the sun sounded a lot better than goofing off at home. I actually was planning to blow off the beers for a few more hours as to not wind up too drunk and/or weird, but we all know my issues when it comes to saying no to cute blue eyed blondes.. So it should come as no surprise that about 15 minutes later I was on my way out the door to have beers with the guys and gals in the sun at the uni court yard. I arrived there some 30 minutes later, wearing my usual summer uniform of blue jeans and band shirt.. Which for some reason seems to still confuse people, forcing me to explain over and over again that the short, shirtless buzz cut look just isn’t very metal.. Naw thanks, I’ll take my jeans, band shirt and occasional stolen rock star shades thank you very much.
Anyways, times at uni were good as usual, hanging in the sun with Saxberg, Andersson, Tina, Jakob, Daphne and various other people with a few beers after a while we headed off to a local park for the latter part of a May day party which featured an awesome Danish cover band and plenty of beers.. Plenty for us and plenty too many for others. Apparently some people had been drinking since 10 AM that morning and with us arriving at around 5 PM, the fun of the party for the thousand odd people there seemed split between watching the band and watching the people who’d had a little too much to drink act out.. Which made for a pretty entertaining two and a half hours.. For some of us anyways. Tina and Jakob left half way into the show to get some food, one of Andersson’s friends ended up wandering off not to return until about an hour later when he was too drunk to even relate where he’d been. Others, though thankfully none of our friends, opted for just passing out in front of the stage.. Good times!
Actually, I ended up returning to the Uboat alone after having lost track of Andersson, too, which spawned a few looks as I’d set out with four friends in tow and returned three hours later, beaten, sweaty and alone.. But it wasn’t anything that couldn’t be settled over a few beers.. And a few more.. And some drinking games.. And a stupid bet with Saxberg about whether or not I could drink 4 beers in an hour – which is of course nowhere near as big a problem as the subsequent hammer of drunkenness over the head.. As a result, the next couple of hours were a nice potpourri of goofing off with Tina, Jakob, Daphne and Tommy, greeting random friends, telling Tommy that sure I’d be at his grill out the next day, I’d even love to be in charge of the grill.. And grabbing Daphne by the hair, pulling her head back and jokingly trying to force her to deep throat a scimitar made from inflated, bendable party balloons.. That Tina had earlier scored off some homeless guy at the rock show.. No, I swear, in an odd twist of events that really did happen.. Did I mention we’d been drinking?
All in all, it was really good times.. With a lot of great people! I made it home at some point, too, though I’ve no real idea how and when.. I only know I woke way too late the next day as I’d kinda arranged with Tommy and Jakob to meet up at around 2 PM.. And I woke at like 1:40. Anyways, I texted up Tommy and found out that I was the first he’d actually heard from that day so I shouldn’t really worry too much.
Instead, some of us ended up meeting up at around 3 PM then sending Tina off to work before Tommy, Jakob and I went shopping for greens, meat, coals, beers, some soda and Gin and Tonics for the evening ahead. We then dragged ourselves and our purchases off to Tommy’s where we crashed on his patio thing with a few beers and a Gin and Tonic and kicked back for a while, drinking a few cold ones to keep the hangovers at bay.. As the day and evening trickled on, others started arriving.. First Andersson who was absolutely beaten and scarred from the night before, then Michael and Martin and finally Champ and his girlfriend, Signe..
As they arrived, and we all shared a good laugh over me partially drunk trying to light a couple of fires in rather considerable gusts of wind, we got the festivities under way. I had two grills going, one of which was embedded in Tommy’s patio table. I kicked things off by lighting that one a little too hot and as a result scorching large parts of the wooden frame around it. Not being one to let a single mishap stop me, I then proceeded to overload both grills and as a result dumping a T-bone I was doing for myself onto the coals. Champ was nice enough to go “wash my steak” while I struggled on and eventually got everybody served.. Which kept people quiet for quite some time which I took as a sign that I’d done well.
As we ate, people started complaining about getting cold which I didn’t really understand, but I did agree to move down inside into Tommy’s living room as soon as we’d finished eating.. Which we then did and had a ton of fun with. We hung out for a good few hours until Tina got off work and we greeted her into the flock.. And pretty quickly traded Jakob out for her as he was simply too beat from Friday to go on. We eventually lost Andersson, too, and Tommy wasn’t looking too hot by the end of the night either. I was about ready to go home as well when Michael, Tina, Martin and I started talking about hitting the sleazier parts of town just for shits and giggles. Which pretty quickly turned into a new master plan, but not before I’d been on my back on Tommy’s floor, trying to chug wine from a 3 liter box and messing it up horribly, sending cascades of wine seeping down my cheeks and shoulders and onto my t-shirt.. Where I imagine it mixed well with the spray of beer that’d hit me not too long before as a bottle exploded on me as I tried to open it..
All in all, I ended up leaving Tommy’s with the guys and girl in tow, semi-dry and reeking of beer and wine.. While carrying Tommy’s old electric guitar which he’d let me have on the single condition that I smashed it and took pictures.. Something I decided to do right then and there on the street as we made it outside to what is basically the street walk right in front of Kolding’s most alternative/rock-ish club.. And I did better than just take pictures, I got a video of it as well.. Just to prove the stupidity of it all. And how surprisingly hard it actually is to smash an electric guitar:
After I’d finished and generated cries of both “No.. No!” and “Rock n Roll!!!” .. Groupthink set it.. And drunken groupthink at that.. And we got around to thinking that “Hey, wouldn’t it be the funniest thing in the world if we took the thing bar hopping with us and tried to sell it for beer or drinks?” As a result, we piled into one of the nearest and trendiest bars with Tina looking gorgeous as ever, the guys looking trendy as always and me sporting beer soaked long hair, a wine stained Jimmi Hendrix t-shirt and a smashed up white Fender guitar under my arm.. That I was by then bleeding profusely over as I’d managed to cut my hand on several places on the broken neck. Strangely, security did absolutely nothing to stop us, they merely laughed.. But we did get a few pretty weird looks at the bar.. And nothing much more, so we ventured on on our quest to find more bars.. I even managed to dump the guitar somewhere.. I probably should’ve kept it as as Johan Johansen signature, but oh well, it was getting a real pain to drag around, so I left it outside the next bar en route.. Which was a more sleazier kind of place which was evident by the cheaper prices for the round of beers that Martin bought, the poor live music and the fact that within ten minutes I had to step up and use my drunken logic to get us out of two fights that we nearly got into, including one with the live musician who was in the middle of his set.
And that’s before things even really got crazy. See, someone.. And by someone, I mean Tina.. Got the great idea that since we were already in the sleazier part of time, we should hit every bar down that street (which is like five on a good day) and have shots at each place.. Already running drunk enough to have smashed a guitar and myself, my reasoning stood no chance.. And besides, it’s well known that I have problems saying not to above mentioned cute, blonde, blue eyed girl.. So a deal it was then. Michael kicked things off by walking up to the bartender and ordering 12 shots which we threw down in like two minutes between the four of us, leaving just enough of a pause to almost get in another fight with one of the locals.
We then pressed on, moving a few hundred meters down the street to a respectable establishment called “New York City” which I’ve only been to once and my only memory from that one trip being that the barkeep at the time asked me after my order if I could please pay in cash as “the whole card business was a little too complicated to figure out right then.” They were apparently on last call when we arrived so we barely had time to throw down a Jager shot each – I think.. Tina, correct me if I’m wrong – before moving on to the next place on our route, Domhuset, which was also on last call (a popular trend right around 2 AM, I guess) but they also managed to hand over four of their signature shots – a vile concoction of vodka and pop rock candy.. Which didn’t go well with anybody, but at least they were cheap. We gathered by now that last call apparently was all the rage and since we only had one place left to go, “Kontoret” (The Office), we quickly moved on as it was now exactly 1:56 AM.. And we made it, barely, so we didn’t really have much time to think about what we wanted.. For some reason someone suggested tequila which I went along with despite the fact that I knew it’d suck.. There’s no way what something served in a place like that could be anything other than Sierra tequila and synthetic lemon juice served with age-old table salt.. An assumption I turned out to be correct in, but for some reason it went down anyways.. This being Tina’s round, I’d say she got me back pretty good for the vodka/pop rock mix 😉
Besides our little rock start stunt at our first stop, I’d say Kontored is probably where we created the most confusion out of any place we ventured that night. Mainly because we walked in, all of us, even me – being at least 10 years younger than anyone in the bar, begged our way to four tequila shots, threw them down in an instant and then filed, all four of us, into the ladies’ rest room.. The reasoning being that Tina had said there’d be pictures of naked men out there, and for some drunken reason we all wanted to see that.. Only we neglected to tell this part to anybody, so we just kinda went in there and returned a bit later.. After which we again left the bar and staggered back to our first stop of the night to actually pay or dues and buy one last shot there.. Which I ended up paying for and which turned out nearly twice as expensive as the other rounds that evening because we were now apparently back in the trendy side of town.. But oh well, I could probably afford it better than the rest of my entourage anyways and since I don’t ever really go out on mad spending sprees anymore, it’s all good.
Besides, my reasoning had pretty much stopped working by then, so we just threw down our shots quickly and decided to call it a night which I’m sure everybody would have done after seven-eight shots and a beer in like – I don’t know – just under an hour. I ended up walking Tina home before returning home myself, and I’m reasonably sure she ended up picking up the neck of the broken guitar on the way.. But my memory kinda escapes me a little after two days of heavy drinking.. It was one hell of a fun time, though.. We should do that again some time!