Of blonde moments and gay moments

Tina and I both have our moments. She has her borderline dumb blonde moments, and I have my moments where I more or less knowingly engage in a series of actions that may cause the casual observer to question my heterosexuality. Usually, when our weird moments clash, good times and good fun ensues and Saturday was definitely no exception. Now, as a bit of a disclaimer and an attempt to avoid the argument that will most certainly ensue over this anyways, I would like to – once again – state for the record that I consider Tina to be an extremely smart and intelligent young woman. She just has those little moments every once in a while that end up being extremely entertaining because they fit her long, blonde hair so perfectly while clashing completely with her otherwise intelligent personality. I sometimes do her a small favor of not going into details about her blonde ways or little slip-ups on here, mainly when she’s begged me not to – or been a real sweetheart or spoiled me in one way or another.. But, really, when she’s being beyond adorably retarded, there’s only so much I can do to keep it from getting out..  Oh, speaking of adorably retarded, I would, finally, also like to state for the record that I use the words “adorably retarded” and “adorable retard” in the most affectionate way possible.. Right, that’s the disclaimer out of the way, eh?

So, here’s the scenario.. Without going into details, i think it’s pretty fair to say that Tina has been having a pretty hard time lately. This is no the time or media to discuss such things, but I think it’s fair to say she had a lot to deal with including work, her thesis, breaking up with her boyfriend and everything else. She’s been a tough little fighter through it all, but I still couldn’t help but feel that she needed to be spoiled a little, so I convinced her she should spent Saturday evening with me and let me cook her some food and pour her some good wine. Well, she kinda suggested it herself, but I was right on my way to launching an invitation her way when she texted me and asked the exact question I was gonna pose: “Wanna hang out Saturday and have dinner?” I guess that’s just the way we roll.

I kinda spent the next few days planning things and over those few days, plans kinda changed a little as well. Tina asked me if I’d be interested in making the day into a working day with her, and I replied that I’d love to, as long as I could get away with just pretending to work. See, after a 60+ hour work week, I didn’t really feel like spending my Saturday working on my thesis, I would however love to keep her company. So the plan was, then, for me to pop over once I’d woken up on Saturday, she’d do some work, I’d pretend to do some work, we’d have a drink, have dinner, share a bottle of good wine and do whatever we felt like.. But, of course nothing went according to plan.. It’d have been too easy that way.

I kicked things off by oversleeping and I kinda think Tina did as well..I then wasted several hours staggering around, trying to get ready, get some food, get the last bit of shopping done and whatever else I needed in order to wholly confuse myself.. When I finally did make my way down to Tina’s, it was almost 2:30 PM, and I was kinda fearing I’d missed out on a lot – which just so happened to not be the case.. As Tina was nowhere near ahead of me as far as daily chores went. On the contrary. Apparently she’d been out with the girls the night before and one thing had led to another and one shot to a third and so on until she had apparently staggered home at 5 AM in the morning.. So rather than working on her thesis, she was in that wonderful post drunken giddy state of hers. So, I found her sitting around watching a comedy-drama thing on day-time TV about mentally retarded people.. Which, in her state, apparently was the funniest thing in the world – at any rate she spent a lot of time giggling to herself and laughing slightly at the goings on and I spent a lot of time, watching her, head tilted to the side and a puzzled smile on my lips.

As luck would have it, though, we couldn’t just sit around all day and watch retards on day-time TV. We had things to do! Namely, we had to get a tent for Tina who was heading to Italy for a week the next day. So, into Tina’s car we jumped and off we went to a local hardware store to look for cheap tents, bicker a bit about which to get, yell a little at each other while falling over innocent crouching customers and eventually get into a full-fledged argument about whether or not I was allowed to help Tina carry the tent she’d just purchased.. Oh, there was to be a lot of arguing that day.

With tent in hand (I’d managed to snatch it while Tina wasn’t looking), we (or rather Tina) headed out to buy a present for our friend Tine who’s celebrating her birthday Monday (today). Tina got her this gift certificate thing to a local SPA thing which was beautifully wrapped by the nice lady behind the counter in a wrapping leaving no doubt about where the gift was from. Tina pointed this out to the nice lady while I wasted no time in, sarcastically, telling her that she wouldn’t have that problem if she’d just wrap her presents herself like I did. Which spawned another huge argument and a fair bit of pouting and bickering, much to the amusement and confusion of the nice clerk who was merely trying to help. The joke here being that I am so notoriously bad at wrapping things but still do my best whenever I’m buying Tina a present which have led to some pretty ridiculous wrappings, including black plastic bags, tin foil and stapled together paper bags. She enjoys this to a point where my creative wrappings are now a huge part of the thrill for her whenever she gets a present from me, but apparently the suggestion that she could just shape up like me and learn to wrap things properly.. Well, it didn’t sit too well, and as a result, we were still arguing on our way out and even as we got in the car to drive to Tine’s and deliver the present.

As we arrived at Tine’s, we took a small break from arguing to enjoy the sun while waiting for Tine and her boyfriend, Henrik, to also show up. Apparently they’d been out shopping and we’d arrived a little before them, so we kicked back, talked and just plain enjoyed the fine weather for about ten minutes before the others arrived. When they did, we said our hellos and were kindly asked in, an offer we gladly accepted but not before offering to help them carry their groceries from the car, a quite noble task which ended in complete chaos as Tina and I once again exploded in each other’s faces this time in a bitter fight over whether or not Tina was allowed to be an independent , strong woman and carry the heavy bags or whether I was to help her.. Or something to that extend. Poor Henrik who isn’t really used to our loving insults and fights started looking beyond frightened at some point during it all, so I casually whispered to him not to worry, “we’re not dating or anything, we just love to fight”.. Strangely this seemed to do little in terms of calming him down and making him understand. Regardless, he seemed happy with the helping hands.

Having both helped and scared Henrik, we made our way inside and were treated to a grand tour of the house which was under extensive renovation, we then sat down, hung out and talked for a while.. Oh and we had something I’ve never had before.. A smoothie! Apparently a chilled concoction of various fresh fruits and berries, dairy products and ice. A surprisingly flaming concoction for something served so cold, and a treat that, for the first time that day, really made me question my masculinity.. But hey, Henrik was drinking it, too, so I figured it was okay.. So frosty beverages in hand, we wiled away some time talking about our respective theses and our progress on them.. Something that eventually left Tina with a bit of a bad conscience, so we figured we had better drive back and see if we (that is, she) could get some work done on hers.

We arrived back at Tina’s at around 5 PM and she immediately got to work on her thesis while I got to work on making us some coffee and doing the dishes so I’d have some space to work on and some pots, pans, plates and cutlery to dirty while cooking dinner.. Something I got started on immediately after having done the dishes and made sure Tina had coffee, and, well, popping open a cold, canned “Mojito Long Drink” that Henrik had given me.. What can I say? I cook better when I’m not sober.. And I wanted to make sure Tina got a really good and well-deserved meal.. So while she did her best to get some work done, I did my best not to distract her too much while I whipped dinner together.. Which proved hard because A) I’m very good at dropping things and hurting myself when I cook and B) apparently the smells of what I had tried so hard to put together in order to spark her prodigal appetite was driving the poor girl crazy.. Which I took to mean that my evil plan was working.

For dinner, Tina had requested something light, possibly chicken with some sort of salad. I knew to go light because of her recent lack in the appetite department, but other than that I was pretty lost. Eventually, I decided that since I was looking to spoil her silly, I’d go light and partially with what she’d requested and partially with ingredients I know she loved and throw in a little side dish I’d created inspired by her monkeying around on another occasion. So, I went with chicken steamed in vegetable stock and lemon juice with garlic, green onions and chili. Which covered the chicken part. To that I served steamed green asparagus with olive oil, lemon juice, garlic, prosciutto ham and Parmesan cheese. Which covered the light part. Furthermore, for the part of the meal inspired by Tina, I went with a salad of honey dew melon, blazing hot Fatalii chilies and fresh mint leaves, dressed in cane sugar, lime juice, extra virgin olive oil and cracked black pepper. A really interesting combination that I came up with one day after Tina had rubbed her eyes after handling chilies and I was spun into thinking about how to lessen the burn from really hot chilies (I guess we all find our inspiration in our own little ways). Finally, for the part I knew she’d love (other than the obvious addition of her favorite ingredients: chili and citrus juice and the mojitos I made to kick things off), I made some homemade garlic bread which has been.. Well, pretty much an obsession of ours since we first tried it.

I somehow managed to get all of this done using only a single burner, an oven and a fair amount of good luck and cussing. I even managed to time everything perfectly and to keep Tina from having to help which I guess partially made her feel bad, but I do think she also quite enjoyed being spoiled silly. At any rate she seemed very happy with just having to sit down for dinner and a lovely white wine courtesy of my go-to wine guy. I won’t even go into details about how much we ate or the amount of butter and olive oil consumed through these dishes, but I’m happy to see that I saw Tina eat more than I’ve seen her do in weeks, possibly months, so I’m thinking it’d be okay to call it all a success. We actually ended up sitting there for over an hour, eating, talking, laughing, listening to a bit of Rammstein in the background (as you would during any candlelight dinner) and just having a plain good time while working up the courage to get up and do the dishes. Which none of us really wanted to do given that we were perfectly fine with just being full and happy.

We did eventually muster the courage to get up and do so but not before making a little more garlic bread to eat as a reward afterwards. Again, I won’t disclose exactly how much garlic bread was eaten, but there was some giggling at the sight of Tina’s happy, full tummy. But then, neither of us had really been eating anywhere near enough lately, so it was all good.. And at any rate, we quickly got something else to talk and laugh about as Tina turns to me and goes “Y’know, that search feature on your blog, it totally doesn’t work..” I barely have time to go “Wha? No?” before the little one bursts into an insane fit of laughter and starts muttering things along the line of “I’m such an idiot!” – “Are you having one of your blonde moments again,” I ask as she struggles to regain her composure.. “Uh-huh,” she stutters, looking at me almost teary-eyed with laughter.. “I just realized that the reason it didn’t work was because I was trying so hard to do searches in Danish..” Which is when, I too just tear into a fit of laughter.. Coz, Gee-wiz, sweetheart, you’ve been reading my English language blog for going on three years now, it really should come as no surprise to you that you’d have trouble doing searches in Danish.. Even if I admire your persistence in trying and find it kinda cute that you even went through the trouble of doing alternative spellings for Danish special characters.. Better luck next time. I’ve tested it out myself and it actually works pretty well.. If you use English search terms! 😉

So much for the blonde moments, then, but what of the gay ones? Well, as it occurred to me and as I told Tina while we were watching our movie choice for the night (which just so happened to be “The Sound Of Music”), it occurred to me that I was having the least heterosexual day I’d had in a long, long time.. What with kicking the day off with smoothies on the couch, then Mojito chased by a dinner consisting mainly of steamed asparagus, melon and fruit juices, and then, now, just for good measure sipping chilled white wine while watching “The Sound Of Music” .. I mean, seriously, had it not been for the heavy metal backdrop and the pretty female companion, it would be this kinda behavior that would make people seriously question my sexuality.. Which is why I say that Tina has her blonde moments, and I, apparently, have my gay moments..

I can explain the whole “Sound of Music” thing, by the way. See, Tina has a thing for that musical.. And I have this book called “1000 movies to see before you die” which mentions “The Sound of Music”, so naturally I had to see it, and naturally I’d told Tina some time ago that it would be her responsibility to see to it that I got to see it. So when she suggested it Saturday, I jumped right on it.. That explains everything, right? Alright, okay, maybe not, but that’s just how I roll.. And it was a surprisingly good musical.. Which led to a lot of purely heterosexual discussions of the “her voice is really soothing” and “what a beautiful dress” varieties. The latter centering around a wedding dress worn near the end of the movie about which I remarked that it was indeed pretty but I wouldn’t dare drink red wine in it to which Tina, in yet another tired and adorably retarded blonde moment pouts and remarks that “Well, sorry, but there were a lot of shots last night, a lot of really good food and wine tonight and it really is quite a tight fitted dress, so I can’t really help it..” A statement which confuses me profusely for all of five minutes before Tina realizes I was talking about the dress in the movie, it’s whiteness and the ease with which one could stain it, and I, on the other hand, realize that Tina thought I was talking about her summer dress and poking fun at the fact that  her otherwise slim stomach was looking a little bloated after me force feeding her. A little on the defensive side, I reckon 😛 But it did go to prove that we were apparently both pretty tired at this point after a long day of fun, bickering and both blonde and gay moments, so when the movie conveniently ended not too long after (who’d have thunk it’d be over two hours long anyways), we decided to call it a night, said our goodbyes and I headed off, nearly forgetting not only my bag and my laptop but also the remaining dinner ingredients – something that Tina thankfully pointed out to me as I was on my way out the door – blonde moment, anyone?

Either way, I then grabbed my things, said goodbye again and this time headed home for good through streets filled with drunken idiots and loud youngsters, homewards bound. To get some sleep, which I never got because while I’d been nearly falling asleep in Tina’s bean bag chair, I apparently wasn’t feeling sleepy at all once I returned home, so instead of going straight to bed, I stayed up till like 5 AM, talking to random people on MSN, watching a few shows and wasting my time on Facebook.. Insomnia is such fun!


2 responses to “Of blonde moments and gay moments

  1. you could have left out the word retarded for your blonde moment and gotten the point across just fine. no reason for you to demean people with special needs just because you feel the need to be cool.

  2. I find it strangely laughable that I throw in a long disclaimer as to not offend Tina and end up offending someone else entirely. Ah, the irony of it all! 😀

    I thought long about whether or not to justify this with an answer but since nitpicking, putting words in my mouth, and neurotic attention to political correctness really rubs me the wrong way, I ended up writing an entire post about it. Go figure..

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