I feel like i owe my ex girlfriend an apology. Not for the obvious reasons that you’d normally owe an ex girlfriend an apology. I never cheated on her, I don’t think I ever mistreated her, nor did I, to the best of my knowledge, ever do her wrong in any way imaginable. No, I think I owe the dear, sweet girl an apology for accidentally nearly having her call the police on me on suspicion of me being in mortal danger of being fucked up by a rambling, crow bar-wielding Chinese madman!
Wait, I’ll have to explain that one, won’t I?
Thing is, I’ve been drinking a lot of coffee in the past 24 hours, and I’ve been sleeping.. Well, not so much. As the observant long-time reader will know, I’ve long battled heavy caffeine addictions and have long consumed coffee in dangerously high quantities. And as the observant reader will also have noticed, I’ve recently been sick for quite an extended period of time, a time during which I’ve been unable to consume coffee or cola owing to the fucked up state of my throat. Thing is, I’m well now and one of the first things I wanted after getting well was, well, coffee.. Of course in wanting this favorite drink of mine so much, I completely forgot that after three weeks of detox, my body was in no way geared for the amount of caffeine that six-eight cups of coffee during a day would bring to the party..
The result was predictable: I didn’t sleep for about 24 hours, and weirdness ensued. The thing about me is, when I’m sleep deprived and flying high on caffeine, I do really stupid shit! Mainly to myself, but sometimes I’m stupid enough to drag others into the fine mess I create.. Which is exactly what happened today:
Most of you will know that my apartment is undergoing renovations and that I have a lot handymen running around the place doing things more or less purposefully.. Today was no exception as I had not one but two people running around my bedroom putting up wallpaper. At one point or another something must’ve gone wrong or gotten in their way or something because suddenly one of the blokes, an Asian looking gentleman, picked up a crowbar and, while grunting incoherently in a not so pleased sounding manner, took a stab at some boards.. “Huh, that’s an odd sight,” I thought to myself and picked up my phone to send Louise a text message. Her and I have recently started talking on a regular basis again and have exchanged a lot of laughs and giggles, so I didn’t think too much of the context of the rather silly message I sent her which simply read something along the lines of “there’s a displeased looking, rambling Chinese man in my bedroom wielding a crowbar, should I be scared?” … And the all hell broke lose!
In retrospect, I probably should have included some kind of smiley to convey the humorous meaning of the message. I probably should have considered including at least parts of the context surrounding the event. And more importantly, I probably should’ve considered the recent stint of increasingly violent home invasions and robberies sweeping through Denmark.. At any rate, Louise’s reaction came within seconds and was one of sheer terror on her part, fear for my well-being and an offer to call the police ASAP! All things considered, perfectly reasonable and very loving and caring reaction on her part given the lack of context, information and/or smileys.., and one that I totally hadn’t foreseen.. And so suddenly I wound up having to think fast.
There’s no really good, quick AND sincere way of saying “I’m sorry, I fucked up, it was all meant to be a joke, a bad one, hah-hah.” – never the less that was the message that I had to convey to Louise, and quickly, or I’d have not only a hyperventilating friend, but also a police squad kicking in my door and arresting a completely innocent and unsuspecting carpenter of Asian descent. The compromise between acting quickly and being sincerely sorry involved shooting off a quick, short message reading “No! Jokes.. SORRY!”, and then spending the next odd hour or so apologizing profusely, explaining about context, sleep deprivation and the effects of large doses of caffeine on Johan’s mind..
Did I get told off? You bet! Did I deserve being told off? You bet! Do I feel like an ass for accidentally scaring people shitless by letting them think, even for a few seconds, that I’m in mortal peril and in dire need of help? You bet! Have I learned a lesson? You bet! Is this the last time I’m screwing up.. Umm.. Not likely.. But I’ll try to do better..
Louise, I’m sorry. I fucked up. I realize that letting you think I’m in danger probably isn’t the best way of showing that I’m happy we’re talking again.. Let alone much of an inspiration for you to keep talking to me.. 😉 Torben says I owe you a beer, I think Torben may be right..
And to you aspiring, young people out there. Let this be a lesson to you. There are several ways to entertain women and make them laugh. Making them think that you’re about to get your head bashed in by an unknown assailant isn’t one of them! This is another important lesson in the school of life..
God, I do some stupid fucking shit sometimes. Luckily, for the growing audience, most of these are either pretty funny, pretty ironic or both in retrospect.