Emo Vampires Must Die!

Okay, so here’s the deal.. I love women! I think they’re fascinating, beautiful and compassionate creatures. I hold them to be highly intelligent, both in terms of standard intelligence, emotional intelligence and the kind of intelligence that makes you not say or do all the stupid shit that I usually say or do. In fact, many of my best friends in this world are women and as such, I’d like to think that I’ve got a little more understanding of the female mindset than most of my male peers. Yet, I’ve been forced to realize, that despite my best efforts, there are inner workings within the female brain I’ll never be able to figure out!

One such thing is the enduring and borderline unhealthy obsession with the emotional vampire image.. Why is is that at the mere mention of The Twilight Saga, 0r Edward Cullen/Robert Patrick Pattinson in particular, every single well-functioning, highly intelligent and otherwise rational woman between the ages of 16 and 33 within earshot is reduced to a giddy, giggly, need-driven, rambling teenager with nothing better to say that “Aww.. Wow!” or “*swoooooooon*” . I know I’m on shaky grounds here because most of my readers are in fact female, but I’m not asking to offend, I’m asking to understand. I really am confused here. So why, pray tell, ladies.. Why?

I get that the vampire image is inherently sexy. It’s build into the whole vampire character and excellently portrayed on the big screen by many Hollywood actors. It’s that whole Victorian thing, the control issues, the power, the danger element.. Heck, it’s probably even the feeding.. I mean.. The neck is an erogenous zone for most females.. I can see how a tall, dark, handsome, mysterious stranger nibbling on your neck might seem like a pretty good deal..

And then you’ve got Edward Cullen.. Really, where does this boy who looks like he’s been suffering from the swine flu for the last 300-odd years fit into this picture of the tall, dark stranger? He’s mysterious, sure, but that’s only owing to him carrying more emotional issues than your average teenage girl.. And where does this whole love story between human and vampire fit into the picture? In other words, where exactly did things go wrong? Where exactly did the vampire mythos go so askew? And why is it creating such a fuss?

Good old Bela Lugosi must be turning in his grave right now.. As would Gary Oldman and Wesley Snipes if they happened to be dead. I mean, Blade had his doubts and emotional issues.. But he kinda fucked everybody up, badly, so I forgive him.. But these emotionally torn, whiny, conflicted, goth teenage vampires of today? I don’t get it.. But women do, and they find it the sexiest thing since chocolate dipped strawberries..

And I’m sorta fine with that.. I mean, I’m fine with the fact that they find the image sexy and appealing, what I’m struggling with understanding is the extend to which they find it sexy and appealing.. I mean, I know several fully grown women with lengthy university degrees behind them who actually want to marry Edward Cullen! .. And you get to wondering if they’re actually aware that he’s not even a real person.. And that vampires don’t exist.. And if they did, they’d eventually fuck us all over and take on the world.. It’s an unnatural, unhealthy and most of all unfair obsession! Because how are we regular 100% human being nice guys ever supposed to compete with something like that? Really? I mean, the whole Johnny Depp obsession was bad enough.. Back then we had to compete with a man who was sexy and desirable in everything he did despite being in his 40’s who was happily married, far away and totally unobtainable.. But at least he was a real, live man. Now we’re pinned up against a sickly looking boy who’s not even technically alive, let alone a real person yet still has every female in the free world (and possibly parts of the not-so-free world) reduced to a salivating, incoherent mess at the mere mention of his name or a flash of his photo in the media.

Really, what the hell are we to do? It’s not natural, it’s not right and emos aren’t even real vampires! Which is why, ladies and gentlemen, I’ve concluded that, for the sake of all mankind, emo vampires must die! It would be better for we men because we wouldn’t have to compete against fictional characters and spent hours upon hours trying to even get some small grasp of understanding of what the fuss is even all about. And I rather think it would would be good for you women as well because you could regain some sort of control over yourselves and your emotions ..

This is my proposition and I’m sticking by it until someone can justify for me the existence of such creatures.. Or at least explain to me the hype and infatuation that is so hopelessly lost on me.. Bring back Lugosi! Thank you, that is all.

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4 responses to “Emo Vampires Must Die!

  1. First of all you’re way off… It’s got nothing to do with the fact that he’s a vampire – not at all. That’s just a minor detail. The thing is… he’s inherently a bad guy which is sexy and something that most girls can’t stay away from, and then he’s just tall, dark and very handsome. But the most important thing is his personality in the books. It would take me forever to write it all down for you here, sweety, but that’s it… it’s the “tall, dark and handsome”-thing and his personality. And btw who the f*ck’s Robert Patrick? 😉 For me, anyways, it’s not really got anything to do with Robert Pattinson (yes, he’s cute and all but…) it’s the figure in the books. And finally, yes… we know he’s not real 🙂

  2. I agree with Z, and might I just add, that in fact this IS healthy for us women: hopefully this will start a “look pale”-fashion wave, which is much more healthier than the “get a tan”-fashion wave that causes skin cancer 😉

    And – HAHA you said Robert Patrick! 😀

  3. You’re so right 😀

  4. Patrick, Pattinson – Potato, Schmotato.. One of those guys.. Look, half of this rant doesn’t make sense in any way, they’re not supposed to.. Why would I suddenly be expected to get names right? 😛

    That being said.. Who the fuck IS Robert Patrick? Whoa.. Working this late is doing me no good what so ever..

    And might I add thanks for enlightening me at least a little on the subject, ladies.. Even if I still think it’s all pretty crazy.. I’m all in favor of the look pale rather than unnaturally tanned wave! Bring it! 🙂

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