.. Christian asked me while the two of us were in the kitchen on Saturday evening, trying to cook dinner and do dishes while the girls (Tina and Emelie) were lounging around in the living room talking about girly stuff (or so I assume).. “Oh, you know,” I replied, “the usual stuff.. We talked a bit, watched some DVD’s, Tina and I got in a fight over the couch, I slapped her and pulled her off the couch kicking and screaming, she then proceeded to yell at me and sat on me trying to block my view until I poked her in the side and we got into a shouting match about proper behavior.. Your usual Saturday afternoon, really..”
“I see..,” came the reply, “yeah.. that does sound like your standard Saturday afternoon behavior..” the events that led to this standard Saturday afternoon, however, were pretty complicated and involved both Emelie breaking her leg in several places, and Tina and I having a bit of a Bonnie and Clyde moment and nearly ending our lives together by driving into the harbor. But I guess I’d better start at the beginning..
Which, sadly, involves Emelie crashing hard on a patch of ice during a walkabout and breaking her leg.. In quite a complicated manner, apparently, earning her two fractures, a bag full of pills and many days of near immobility. Tina and I, along with our other friends, were absolutely horrified to hear this and in order to at least offer the poor girl a few laughs and some entertainment opted to drive on over on Saturday and spend the day and evening with her (and Christian who was at work but would show up later). Well, okay, when I say we opted, I mean that Tina pretty much set up the whole thing and I went along with her planning without questions.. But really, that’s just how we roll, and I’m strangely fine with my girls planning and making agreements on my behalf as long as I’m told what to do in the end.. Makes for less decisions, I guess 😉
So either way, Tina set up somewhat of an open agreement with Emelie that we’d show up once I’d gotten my ass out of bed on Saturday and her little car had carried us to Esbjerg. This, incidentally is one of the reasons why I don’t mind Tina making agreements on our/my behalf.. She’ll be sweet and considerate about it and factor in such things as my weird, late sleeping habits. I in return will be inconsiderate and get up an hour earlier than both of us would have rightfully expected me to do on a Saturday and throw off Tina’s planning. But I meant well, so forgiveness, please.. (Side question: Do we know each other too fucking well when without prior communication, she gets up and gets ready based on when I would be expected to get up on a Saturday based on my previous sleeping patterns?)
The end result was a bit of a confusing Saturday morning with both of us trying to get ready as quickly as possible, then meet up and get on our way.. Which we eventually succeeded at at around 12:3o where we rendez-vouzed at my friendly neighborhood supermarket, jumped in the car, turned up the rock ‘n’ roll music and tore off towards Esbjerg. Things actually go well for most of the trip until we arrive in Esbjerg, a city conveniently located at the very western shore of Denmark, and get near the harbor where strange and/or bad ideas ensue. Now, I’ll probably have to assume responsibility as instigator of the bad ideas as things started going wrong when I noticed signs for various ferry routes to such exciting places as Iceland and the Faroe Islands and immediately started trying to talk Tina into making a snap decision and going on a spur of the moment trip to said islands with me. This, initially, prompted little response from her other than the usual semi-confused look, soft smile and gentle head shaking which, after many years of friendship, I’ve deciphered to mean something along the lines of “Sweetie.. You’re being really weird again.. Just.. Stop?”
Eventually, however, my constant talking of, and pointing at, the sea spawned a reaction of “Oh, look, ice! Let’s go investigate!” – I should point out that ice winters in Denmark are extremely rare. Last time we saw ice in Danish seas was exactly 23 years ago, an event I barely remember and Tina obviously doesn’t remember, on account of being about three years old at the time.. Both of us being curious, and spontaneous souls by heart, this uncommon sight naturally warranted further investigation, so Tina turned the car off the beaten path and headed straight for the outer pier which, much like the water we were so keen to investigate, was covered with ice.
“This is spectacular,” I remember thinking out loud before we reached the end of the pier, Tina applied the breaks and our mutual sighs of fascination turned to a mutual feeling of “Uh-oh” as the reality of the situation we were in dawned to us.. We were on a ice covered pier, heading towards an ice covered ocean in a heavy metal box on summer tires.. And breaking wasn’t really doing us much good. The realization must’ve hit us both at pretty much the same time as we jus turned in a synchronized manner to look at each other and let out a reaction of “Aaah!” .. Well, if we were to go down, at least we’d go down together, but thankfully the car skidded to a halt a few feet before the drop-off into the icy coldness of the water below and Tina’s expression immediately and professionally changed to a semi-confident “Right.. I meant to do that!” kind of impression.. We then got out, skidded around somewhat confidently on the ice covered pier and snapped a few pics of the spectacle before unanimously deciding to get back in the car and head on to see Emelie before anybody broke a leg or got killed in our effort to get there.
After our little adventure, we arrived at Emelie’s and Christian’s place no more than five minutes later and felt almost sorry for having to ring the buzzer to have Emelie get up and let us in. Regardless, we couldn’t get in on our own, so we had to rely on Emelie to get up and buzz us in which she did with some effort and we hurried up to greet her and get her back to lying down on the couch as quickly as possible. We spend the next odd hour or so catching up on Emelie’s unfortunate accident and her current condition, doing whatever we could to offer sympathy and compassion. We then went on to spend a few hours watching some Eddie Izzard DVD which is kinda when things flared up between Tina and I.. See, the layout of Christian’s and Emelie’s living room is such that they have two couches, one three-person couch and one two-person couch. The three person couch was naturally taken up by Emelie who had to lie down, meaning that Tina and I would share a two person couch.. This, really, should prompt no problems, but seeing as the TV screen was only entirely visible from half of the couch, the half that Tina had conveniently taken up. Meaning, of course, that in order to pay attention to the screen, I had to impose on her half of the couch and that, of course immediately prompted some problems. Because Tina, being the giant person that she is, of course demanded to have full sovereignty of her part of the couch. I played the not being able to see card and the her being small enough for both of us to share the space on her side of the couch.. Which was immediately countered with the “You’re always teasing me saying that I have a large ass.. And now you’re not leaving room on the couch for my large ass?” card. Something I couldn’t really counter, because using something you’ve said in the past against you in the present is a very unfair and girly thing to do.. So my solution to the problem was to pretty much ignore her and just stay seated.. Which, again, went reasonably well for long periods of time, until I had to get up and do something in the kitchen.
When I returned to the living room I found Tina on the couch, on her stomach, fully stretched out, feet up, taking up the length of the damn thing with a beaming smile of “Hah.. Screw you!” on her face. Fine, whatever, I thought and went to sit down on the couch, on top of Tina and all. Which prompted screams and mutterings from the little one followed by an annoyed grunt of “Well, then move” from myself. Something that was apparently out of the question.. So, the solution to the problem became to give the misbehaving girl a well-deserved slap, prompting her to spin around, then grab her by both legs and pull her kicking and screaming off the couch and onto the floor, then jumping into her place as she gathered herself with a cry of fuck you right back. Which prompted retaliation attacks of Tina trying to sit on me, then block my vision and my poking Tina causing more screams, insults and shouting.. Much to the confusion of Emelie who was on the other couch, not really knowing whether she should get lost trying to follow Eddie Izzard’s trail of thought or get even more lost trying to figure out what the fuck Tina and I were up to this time around.. Again, we apparently confuse people with our behavior, but that’s just how we roll and after everybody had had a chance to bitch and whine a little and abuse the other a little, things eventually settled down on their own.. Just in time for Christian to show up..
Pretty much rendering the entire fight pointless as I now had to get up and help him, leaving Tina to sprawl all over the couch once again.. Oh well.. So Christian and I got the dinner underway as well as doing the dishes while the girls chatted, a simple chicken and coconut cream thing which we then served up with a good French red wine to go along.. Good times!
After dinner, we leaned back and caught a movie.. Much wiser from the conflicts earlier in the day and with the prospect of sharing the couch with Christian who is considerably physically stronger than Tina, I figured I’d just watch the movie from the floor.. Which actually went pretty well as long as I had my red wine and a nice snifter of Scotch single malt to keep me company.. The movie choice of the evening was Quentin Tarrantino’s Inglourious Basterds (as I believe it’s correctly mangled) which was chosen by Tina and much to everybody’s amazement didn’t set well with me at all.. I’m really sorry, but no.. I think the others liked it, though, as they seemed pleased, but tired, when the movie ended after two and a half hours at around 11:30.
At this time everybody seemed really tired and Tina and I decided that we’d better move on and let the kids get some rest, so we made our goodbyes and thanked each other for a wonderful evening. We then headed out and into Tina’s car where we briefly pondered swooping by Dunkel’s briefly to see what was up with him, yet decided against it and just went home instead – both of us really being too tired and worn out to feel up for the challenge.
We ended up parting ways as Tina dropped me off at my place at around 0:30 AM after a long awesome day of only a few minor fights and a single near death experience.. Good times!