Lesson learned: Never use the words “I’m single!” to get out of trouble.

I noticed we haven’t talked about me involuntarily getting into trouble for a while.. So let’s talk a bit about how me trying to get out of vacuuming the carpet. Led to many a huge argument, a heartbroken woman and me once again getting accused with having more than friendly relations with a female I’ve but talked to.

So what happened was this.. And I’m not quite sure I understand the dynamics, so bear with me here.. Anyways, what happened was this.. Torben and I were talking to the cleaning lady having apparently somehow regained her trust after the “St Elmo’s Fire incident of March 2010”.. And a few other incidents which included, amongst others, me telling her that I wish her favorite artists alcoholic of a father had still been alive so that he and sonny might’ve had a contest about being the most annoying artist alive.. And me (yes, me again) trying to throw her out of a second story window for singing while working.. Hey, you people know me, the correct answer to my threatening to throw you out of a window isn’t “you go ahead and try that!”..

Errr.. But I digress.. Anyways, after having regained her trust after some such incidents, we were talking to her one evening and she was telling us that she really wasn’t up for the challenge today.. Somehow Torben seemed it would be funny to tell her something along the lines of that being okay, we’d just get me, poor Johan, to finish up.. So, before anyone started getting any too good ideas, I thought it fitting to tell everybody that they *could* try that but that I was in fact a single guy, having lived alone for seven years now and as a result knowing fuck all about cleaning anything to anyones standards.. Which eventually led to the entire thing being laughed off as a “maybe it was a grand opportunity for me to learn a thing or two” kinda thing, and eventually derailed into a graphic conversation about bad and traumatizing experiences working as a public health care worker  (but that’s a WHOLLY different story)

So, really, I didn’t think much of the whole thing, just yet another entirely derailed conversation on another boring night at the office.. Fast forward a few hours and I’m sitting at my computer, doing some work, suddenly finding myself rather surprised to feel my colleague Christian having snuck up on me and grabbed me firmly by the shoulders. Since I’m going through a pretty bad spell of sore back and cramped up shoulders issue at the time, the grip actually felt surprisingly good, so I just urge him to go on which (rather predictably) causes Christian to jump, cry out “I always knew you were a fucking faggot!” and take off around the desk and down the stairs. Again, I don’t really think too much of the whole situation, much stranger things happen around work on a pretty regular basis. Well, at least I don’t think too much of it till I hear Christian stopping at the foot of the stairs followed by the sound of a lot of commotion and a fair bit of yelling. Before whoever involved in the incident seeming take off in different directions. At this point I grow interested and charge downstairs only to be met by Christian charging in my general direction, going “You.. YOU! I’ve got a bit of a bone to pick with you! Why are you running around telling our poor cleaning lady that you’re single?!” .. The following conversation went a little like this:

Johan: “Umm.. It’s a free country? I can do pretty much what I want? I didn’t mean to imply anything anyways, we were just kidding around..”

Christian: “Uh-huh.. Yeah.. And what of the poor girl you’re living with? Is she amused??”

Johan: “Wait.. What? Dude, Christian.. I’ve told you guys about Tina and I, it’s really not like that, I thought we were over it..”

Christian: “No, not the cute little blonde.. That other cute chick.. The brunette you’re with..”

Johan: “Louise?? For the love of fuck.. That was years ago.. And we were going out for like a month.. Man, what the fuck?”

Christian: “Really?? A month?? I totally thought you were still together, and living together..”

Johan: “I even told you guys when we broke up!!”

Christian: “Oh man.. I may just have gone fucked you over bad..”

Johan: “Christian? What did you do NOW?!”

It turns out that what Christian did was to run down the stairs and almost crash into our poor cleaning lady crying out all sorts of obscenities and labeling people as faggots. The girl, Anja, of course demands to know what the hell is going on and Christian then goes on to tell her the story of what happened, saying I demanded a massage from him and saying that he’d always believed me to be a bit of a well, faggot.. This, of course, is only part of the strangely rough, sarcastic, affectionate tone of the transport business, but never the less it made Anja go “Awww.. That’s a shame.. He’s such a cute AND handsome young man.. AND he’s single!”

Now.. Why she’d think I was cute after I profusely insulted her and her taste in music and tried to throw her out of a second story window, I’m not entirely sure.. But I’ve come to accept the fact that I’ll probably never understand women in more than 85% of all cases.. Of course what happened next was almost to predictable. Apparently Christian goes “Single?!? I think not! He’s been living with some hot, young girl for two years now! Single my ass..” And as such all hell breaks loose. Anja goes “Hmm..” and takes off, not to be seen again, Christian takes off to go give me a right verbal thrashing, Torben somehow in the process falls over laughing and I’m left wondering what the hell I did to deserve all of this..

I’ve already gotten one thorough thrashing, I’ll probably get another one tonight when I’ll have to face off against Anja again and try to explain to her why on earth I’d lie about being single to impress a 35 year old woman with three kids and a husband when I’ve already got a girl at home.. Plus I now have Christian running around the office and warehouse proudly telling everybody the story of how he accidentally cock-blocked me.. When I wasn’t even trying to, well, cock anything!

That’s quite a lot to lines to tangle out, really.. Never a dull moment in the working life of Johan..

Oh.. Bother!

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3 responses to “Lesson learned: Never use the words “I’m single!” to get out of trouble.

  1. Muahahah! *falls over laughing*

  2. Hmm.. This whole falling over laughing seems to be a general reaction to my hardships.. Poo! 😛

  3. I wish my work was just as fun. It’s a really long time since I’ve heard such a funny story. My only regret is not being able to see all the facial expressions. This is probably not the easiest knob to disentangle. Well Johan, the best of luck with your entanglement issues.

    Regards

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