Yoga me this, yoga me that

Y’know, I thought I had it all pretty well figured out.. I thought I knew women pretty well and was mostly up to date with most possible (and impossible) pieces of garments they might consider wearing for whatever purposes the day might bring.. And just then, Tina shows up and puts everything askew once again..

“So,” she informs me as we’re making a trip through the mall to spend her birthday money on a bunch of necessities, and a few non-necessities of the “they make me look pretty” variety, “we’re looking primarily for a yoga top for me, and then some..”

“Okay,” I counter, “but enlighten me.. What on God’s green earth is a yoga top?” – And so Johan learned something new yesterday as well: A yoga top apparently is a tight fitting top which offers ample support in all the right places so as to not cause problems during a hand stand or other weird positions, it also carries perspiration and has a wrestler’s back.. Now, the first of these two abilities I understood and recognized, the third I promptly ignored because in our perfect world, Tina never sweats, she never poops, she always smells like flowers and her legs are always meticulously clean shaven and soft every day. These are facts of life and anything hinting towards the opposite is promptly ignored. As far as the wrestler’s back was concerned, that was another mystery to me, but apparently it merely meant that the thing had shoulder straps and was open in the back, much like an outfit a wrestler would wear.. Pretty obvious come to think of it.. And so the hunt began.

In true womanly fashion, the hunt wasn’t going to be easy. In the first sporting store we got to, we ended up picking out two possible candidates – a green top costing next to nothing and a more expensive black alternative. We then headed to the dressing room to try things on.. Err, that is Tina were to try things on and I were to stand outside and give my nod of approval or offer constructive criticism. Another strange fact about women is that they very much like to look pretty even when doing a complicated hand stand during a workout sessions. That’s just how things are and as such, I’m guessing that’s where my expertise came in. The inexpensive green top was tried on first and we both agreed that it’d be well worth the DKK 80 price tag. Tina then disappeared back behind the curtain to change top and managed to stay back there for a full two minutes before letting out a surprised shrill scream which nearly caused me to cry out “I’ll save you, baby!” and rush back there, before realizing that Tina might actually not be decent in which case that might not be a very good idea. Regardless, Tina soon emerged in the second top with a perplexed look on her face and a “Would you look at this?!”

“Ehh..,” I first offered, “Umm..,” I then attempted. The problem was pretty obvious. The clothing item in question lived up to the second criteria for a yoga top a little too well. It offered support in all the right places, a little too well.. If you know what I mean.. Let’s just say it was the kinda yoga top that’d make a lot of guys want to take yoga classes. “I gotta be honest with you, and I’m sorry,” I finally managed, “I’m having a hard time NOT looking at that..” – “Hmm,” Tina pouted, “well, maybe I shouldn’t exactly be trying it on with a push-up bra underneath..” – “On the contrary, sweetie, I think..” I started, before Tina forced my mouth shut with a well placed “I think you need to SHUT UP!” .. Alright, fine, point taken. We went on to try it again without extra lift and despite my best, inappropriate efforts to steer choices in favor of the more expensive option, we eventually settled for the cheaper alternative which had all the right attributes and made Tina look more like a serious athlete rather than an attention seeking whatchamacallit, leaving the obscene alternative and the lewd comments behind.. Results: A very cheap yoga top acquired and some good natured fun had. Again, I’m not sure why people think we have such a weird relationship.

With that out of the way, you’d think we’d be all yoga’d out, but no.. Apparently there are also such things as yoga tights (which may double as running tights) and yoga socks. The latter Tina described as feet fitting, perspiration conducting and padded so that I won’t slip when I do that doggie position thing with my ass up in the air. I’m reasonably sure she was referring to a particular yoga stance that I’m familiar with, but it really didn’t come out quite right.. Maybe because I’m a pretty simple minded guy, and having already been treated to a lot of cleavage and talk about this and that, my mind starts getting side tracked pretty easily. I can only compliment Tina on putting up with such behavior on my part.. But once again, I digress, the fact of the matter is that we spent another good 90 minutes or so walking through sporting goods stores, trying on this and that including several tights and even a few tops.. Y’know.. Just in case we found something a little.. Well, better and/or more pink, I guess, than the top we already had..

And can I just say that Tina made me a very proud best friend during this whole session? Because despite finding several things that we both knew were very nice and look very good on her, she stuck to her guns and the cheap top she’d already found and dutifully put back the more expensive items, reasoning that she could spend the money better elsewhere.. Which is exactly the kind of behavior which leaves me not only slightly flabbergasted but also very proud. Because it’s no secret that Tina has had her battles with her personal finances and have not always been very good at spending her money too wisely or with too much consideration.. So good job, babe, once again you made me feel proud!

With a lot of money saved, it was a agreed that Tina could go spend a little money on herself in the shape of a non-sport related piece of clothing, So we went looking for just that, though not before pausing to point and laugh at this particular piece of garment in a shop window.. Yes, those are exactly what they look like: a pair of push-up panties. I can only speculate that they’re for those occasions where baby needs a little more back..

I, of course, once again couldn’t keep my stupid mouth shot and after checking out Tina’s ass declared “Nope, I don’t think yours need to get any bigger” which created a considerable amount of controversy amongst bystanders, so we left pretty quickly and dodged into a clothing store of some shape, form and name.. I honestly forgot which one, there were a lot of clothing stores that afternoon, but that’s okay. I’m under the impression that I’m a very strange man owing to the fact that I don’t really mind getting randomly dragged into clothing stores. I’m sure a lot of my fellow men loathe the experience and would rather be without it but, look, the way I see it, we all like it when our female friends, girlfriends or whatever look their prettiest and wear nice stuff, so it’s in our own damn interest to help out and offer our input. Besides, being confident in what they wear is a huge thing to women and they’ll automatically look even better in that cute little outfit if someone trustworthy and important to them actually takes the time to offer some confirmation that what they’ve chose suits them. On the other hand, while “yes, sweetie, your ass does look big in that” probably isn’t the smartest comment to throw out (unless you’re blessed with my charming character and friends like Tina), they’re very unlikely to lash out at you if you tell them you don’t quite like what they’ve chosen… I digress? Where were we..?

Ah yes! We were in a clothing store where Tina, within like five minutes of arrival had pulled about down about five different blouses and were now on her way to the changing rooms.. I’ve no idea how women do this, but I wish I could be as effective. In another two minutes, two pieces of clothes were already dismissed by both parties and one had gone into the maybe pile. “Now, this is apparently what the call the nude look,” Tina said, pulling a fourth blouse with a skin-like color to it over her head. “I quite honestly prefer the classic nude look,” was all I could manage which caused Tina to let out a giggle and agree with me that it probably wasn’t her, which is really what I was trying to say in my own retarded way. We eventually struck gold with the fifth piece of garment and found a blouse which both in terms of color, cut and pattern suited Tina in a very pretty 1969 kinda way and was actually pretty cheap, too, so we quickly got that before heading on on further adventures which may or may not have included picking up hair products, a birthday present for Jeppe, a little bickering, more stupid comments and a little fight or two.

We eventually grew weary and so Tina thanked me for my patience with her taking so much time to decide and I, in turn, thanked her for putting up with me being an idiot. We then went home to Tina’s for a nice little dinner, another few arguments, a fight and a bit of relaxation before Tina dropped me off at GLS and I ended what had pretty much been a perfect day with a long shift at work, a sprained ankle and a pink slip to boot.

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